Life of the Bees

Oh helloooo

2012-01-07T22:09:00.000+10:00

In my move to wordpress I have noticed that my google friend connect is not working properly.
I've done lots of investigating and swearing at the computer and although I am a computer genius, I cannot fix the issue i'm having of my blog not updating to your readers unless you are a new follower.

If you would like to continue to read my blog (oh I hope you do) can I ask you to unfollow and then follow again right away to re-boot your subscription to the blog.

2012 is going to be an awesome year, we are about to get our kids any day now and I would love to be able to share our journey with you all.

love love
sass, lex and mooinator
xx

Quick note!

2011-12-05T09:32:00.000+10:00

Life of the Bees is moving!

Make sure you update your rss feeds and your bookmarks to www.lifeofthebees.com!

See you all soon!!

Dear Nanny Dot

2011-12-01T12:14:00.000+10:00

I'm also really really terrible and didn't get around to calling her last night for her actual birthday.

Happy Birthday!
We love you!

waiting

2011-11-15T12:44:00.001+10:00

We have only a few more assessment meetings with the social worker for fostering and two training sessions to complete and we are done.

The waiting is driving me insane, I just want our kids already!

I've got lists and lists of things that we will need all according to age of the children that we may get.
little things that we have never needed like bath toys or sippy cups or night lights.

School Holidays at the beach or the park.

Bed Time Stories

Lunch Boxes

Family Movie night

Tantrums

Sticker Charts

Homework

Arguments over eating peas...

Little shoes

Lego

Dolls

Swimming lessons

Kids TV

Sick days

Bad behaviour days

Happy days

Sad days

Arguments about bed time

Bath time

Time outs

and

Make ups.

Dress ups

Make believe

Playdoh

Painting

Baking

Laughing

Parenting

Things that parents take for granted or complain about.
I want that.
I want that so much.

A weekend

2011-11-14T00:08:00.001+10:00

Mr Moo finished his antibiotics, he's eating so good, better than before surgery and he thinks the cone is a wonderful way of getting us to go where he wants to do. He has worked out that he can scoop things with the cone out of his way, or in our case, 'scoop' us to where he wants to go. Kitchen, Outside, Off the bed etc.

Boy and Bear were awesome.

Really really awesome. The support bands were brilliant. Best Friend and I felt really old at first and a little uncool as we were surrounded in (annoying) 18 year old hipsters. Turns out, you can look as cool as you like but you are still 18, you still can't hold a rum and coke and you are really annoying even if you are wearing a 1990's inspired outfit.

We had a great night, even if we had some old creepers try and get into our car at the petrol station and we had to find some very nice police officers to save us.

I'm so glad that before our huge debt we got our tickets for Soundwave and Seether. I love music and I love going to gigs with Best Friend. Even if we are the uncoolest people there, we rock out and have a brilliant time.

Moo went all day without any pain relief which is good, he didn't need them. His personality is coming back and he's been begging us to play. Sad for him that he isn't allowed until the weekend.

Because the Mooinator can't get up on furniture and we are the bad kind of owners and allow our dog to go on every bit of furniture he damn well pleases (dining chairs included) we've had to move downstairs to stop Moo from climbing stairs or getting on the furniture. It's not been as bad as we thought, my office is really big so we've got our mattress on the floor much to our backs protest.

Our house doesn't have air conditioning upstairs which is stupid for a house in Queensland so it's an oven upstairs already and it isn't even summer yet. Downstairs is lovely and cool and has air con so we've been very comfortable.

We've also spent a great deal just hanging out together.

I feel like such a failure at MooZoo at the moment.
With Moo being sick and me being pre-ocupied and now we are having massive issues with our internet provider (read: we have no internet at the moment) i'm having to tether my iphone to the computer to do everything. It's painful even sending a tweet let alone working. I've had to do all the design work offline (which is no biggy really) but it means that installation and emails and ebooks and other design works can't be done or sent or set up etc.
*sigh*

Next week will be better.

Home

2011-11-09T19:47:00.002+10:00

Guess

who

came

home

today?

We have a few days of relaxing planned, just me and Moo. I've got a load of work to do (for all those waiting on stuff, i'm so sorry) so it's a good thing we will be locked away in my office.

I'm still watching him like a hawk, i'm terrified something else will go wrong. Hopefully in a few days that will pass and i'll be able to exhale.

I am grateful.

Grateful that my boy is home where he belongs.

Grateful that we have some very special people in our lives who have kindly lent us money in order for my boy to come home.

Grateful for the nurses who had a soft spot for Moo and loved him as much as we do.

Grateful for the kind words of support. The text messages, emails, tweets, direct messages, and love.... thank you.

just.

thank you.

you know who you are.

sick moo

2011-11-06T11:08:00.001+10:00

My baby is sick.
Really really sick.

Yesterday while I was hanging out the washing I noticed he was having trouble peeing. He was doing a girl wee and was getting lower and lower to the ground and was shaking a bit.
On closer inspection I realised that no wee was coming out at all.

I took him for a walk hoping that he would be able to pee on his normal tree and light pole and although he was doing the action of peeing there was nothing coming out.

SO, we took him to the vet (not our normal vet because they are closed on a saturday) they tried to put a catheter in to see if there was a blockage and found there is a blockage and the catheter couldn't remove whatever it is.

If you can't wee you die so this became an emergency.
We were rushed to the animal ER in brisbane and they took him right away.

They sedated him to get the catheter in further and see if they could remove the blockage but couldn't without damaging his uretha.
An ultra-sound showed there is a mass in his bladder, they are thinking its a large crystal however we won't know until they take it out.

They put a big needle in his tummy and took all the wee out so he won't be poisoned by his wee so he's ok for now.

In a couple of hours we are going into see him and talk to the specialist and discuss our options.

What i'm most upset about (and wrongly) is about the cost of all of this.
They are charging us $1200 JUST to put a catheter in (which we are having to borrow from a very lovely family memeber) and when the nurse I spoke to said the surgery can cost between $1000-$3000 and I said that I couldn't afford that right away (because who normally has a spare 3k lying around in their bank account) she said "perhaps you need to look at putting him down"

I swear on Moo and all things holy, if I see that woman.......

If they don't let us put the fee on an account and we can't pay the money they will put him down.
this causes me the most distress.
Instead of worrying about my boy getting better i'm worrying about them putting him down.
I'm worried that the $3000 will become $5000 and then I worry about him dying and it all goes around and around and around in a horrible anxious cycle.

I feel like he's been held ransom for money. They know that we are desperate and I feel they are kind of taking advantage of that.
I know they are doing a good job in keeping him alive and I am so so so grateful that they are.
If he wasn't there now, he'd be dead.
But a lot of this process is made difficult and a million times more terrible because I'm so worried about the fee.
They won't even let us see the specialist without paying the emergency fee!

I know this isn't as bad as a child being sick to some people, but really, Moo is our child.
He was the reason I got up in the morning when I was so so depressed and the reason I didn't throw myself in front of a train during those very dark days.
He keeps my anxiety at bay and without having him sleep next to me last night was agony.
Not even my strongest painkillers (and i'm a walking pharmacy) could take away my aching heart.

I won't have Moo put down for the sake of $3000. Or even $5000.
I know that after the surgery he will be back to his happy and healthy and pee-ing self.

Once I get there I will beg and plead them to let us put it on an account or pay it off.

I'm going to sell my DSLR camera, my brand new Macbook Pro, our treadmill and anything else that isn't bolted down to save my baby.

I would really really really appreciate you sharing with your friends and family the listings for the items that I will be selling once i'm home from seeing him.

I named my company after Moo, we have this house because of Moo, he's the glue that sticks me together and without him i'm really broken.

I Heart My Body. I Do.

2011-10-28T23:28:00.002+10:00

I was a thin teenager.

I never had body issues when I was younger, I knew I had a great body and when I could, I would show it off.

I am an over weight adult and normally you won't find me appreciating my body or even treating it well if I'm painfully honest.

For such a long time I've carried around the very heavy feeling of failure because of my body.

My infertility is partly because of my weight. My weight is because my infertiltiy. Rach wrote an amazing post about the punishment she put her body though because of her infertility and the cycle continuing.

I found myself nodding my head so violently I was resembling one of those bobble head toys.

My body has betrayed me. I have betrayed my body and really myself.

I've spend most of my marriage hiding my body from my husband and really being baffled as to how and why he's attracted to me.

Fact is, he thinks i'm beautiful (and I feel MEGA uncomfortable even writing that) and instead of spending my time arguing with him why he shouldn't think i'm beautiful i'm going to stop.

I'm going to take the compliment and feel beautiful.

Even if it's only for a day.

I can't remember ever posting a full length photo of me on Life of The Bees because i'm so body conscious.

I'm convinced that you won't like me anymore when you see my body because well, if I don't like me, why would anyone else.

Yes.

I'm overweight.

Yes.

I have tuck shop arms.

Yes.

I have stretch marks.

Yes.

I have a double chin.

Yes.

There are days when I look at myself in the mirror and I don't like what I see.

Yes.

There are times when I bully myself about my weight.

BUT

Today I can see something different.

I have beautiful tattoos on my body that I love and mean so much to me.

My Tool eye and my APC tattoo. The music that I LIVE to listen to.

My fairy. My husbands name. My tribal heart. It's sharp and spiky and signifies to me that once you get past the spiky bits, my heart is big. My saint on my ankle. The same as my dads.

My smile is big and real.

I have never had braces or any dental work other than a wisdom tooth pulled out and ONE filling.

My boobs are HUGE and although they get in the way sometimes and make running difficult to do without a heavy duty sports bra and some duct tape, I love how they look in a good bra. I've always had bigish boobs even when I was a skinny minny.

I love my shoulders.

I love my hair (especially as it's growing so long now!)

I love my glasses. Although they aren't a part of my body, they are a part of ME (and without them I can hardly see anything)

I love my laughter lines. Not only are they a reminder that I am getting older but that I have had a lot of laughter in my life and I wouldn't trade anyone of them.

Tomorrow We Heart Life is celebrating I Heart My Body 2011.

A chance to love your body.

For what is.

Not what it could be and what it isn't.

I would love to see you all participate, you don't have to pose in your underwear like some very beautiful and very brave ladies, you can be fully clothed and just as gorgeous.

Happy Birthday Nanny

2011-10-27T21:28:00.000+10:00

This is the last photo of me and my nanny together.
It's a terrible photo of me but a lovely one of my nanny.
I have the scarf she's wearing and when i'm feeling a little lonely and missing her voice I wear it and pretend she's just on a really long holiday and she'll be home soon.

Dear Nanny

I miss you

Come back from holiday

I have lots to tell you

I'm going to be a mummy

We moved house

I have my own business

It's doing what you said I should do

Something creative and something that makes me happy

Husband is still handsome

We are renewing our wedding vows in March

The colour theme will be Coral

I wish you would come

i'll send you an invitation

xxoo

I'm going to be a mummy!

2011-10-19T10:08:00.001+10:00

Today we start the last part of our foster care assessment before we are given a/some child/ren

I'm excited.
A little scared too.

I'm closing the door on infertility. For now at least.
It's negative and dark and it has hurt me beyond words.

I want to be a mummy.
Husband wants to be a daddy.

We will make that happen.

It's like a match made in heaven.
I need to be a mummy and there are lots of little boys and girls that need a mummy.

So, instead of sitting in the dark and feeling my heart break because we "can't" have children, I am standing up, opening the door and walking in to the light.

We CAN have children.
Just a different way to most people.

I CAN be a mum
I can be a mum to lots of children in need.

I CAN be happy.

I AM happy.

This is what we are meant to do.
It's just taken us a while to realise.

Happy Wednesday all.

Bestest Nieces

2011-10-17T16:04:00.002+10:00

Living so far away from family is stupid and dumb.

Happiness.

2011-10-05T10:03:00.003+10:00

No one is in control of your happiness but you; therefore, you have the power to change anything about yourself or your life that you want to change.

- Barbara de Angelis

Playing Aussie Wordless Wednesday with My Little Drummer Boys.

A poem. By me. (because i'm pretty awesome)

2011-10-01T18:58:00.000+10:00

Bella Bella

Isabella

Strums her guitar

Bella Bella

Isabella

Sings and plays her song

Bella Bella

Isabella

Better remember her aunt when she's famous

The end.

p.s

isn't she pretty?

Some things

2011-09-27T12:13:00.000+10:00

My daddy and step ma and my foster brothers are coming to us for Christmas.
I am SO excited.
I'm looking forward to hanging out with my parents for a couple of days and then we are taking the boys for a couple of weeks ourselves like we did last year.
We figure this is excellent practice for when we get our own foster kids.
I know the boys are going to want to go to wet and wild or something.
If someone could give me the $10,000 for liposuction i'd be your best friend forever.

Talking of our own foster kids, I want to fast forward until we get them.
I need to know what we need and it's driving my planning mind around the bend.

So far i've spent hours on the ikea website looking at all the awesome cool stuff and making lists of stuff for all ages. (like I need an excuse to go on the ikea website...OR make lists)

We've moved my office downstairs which was mega exciting because I now have an official MooZoo Headquarters. The only boy allowed in here is Moo or Husband but only if he's bringing me chocolate milk OR Johnny Depp.
I plan on having a secret handshake or a password to be allowed access to the MZHQ

Tomorrow my pooface sister gets here.
*excitement*
I cannot even begin to tell you how excited I am.
I for sure will not sleep tonight. Husband will have to knock me out to stop me from jumping on the bed.
(actually, I wouldn't dare jump on the bed for fear of the slats going through and injuring us)
We are going to watch season 2 of Offspring and swoon over patrick (he's my new boyfriend i'll have you know) eat lots of chocolate and I plan on telling her eldest daughter all the terrible things we used to get up to when we were teenagers (like hiding boys in the shed at the back of the garden or sneaking downstairs in the middle of the night with all of our clothes so we could plan what we would wear the next night for the really awesome cool party that we HAD to go to and look at ourselves in the MASSIVE mirror in the hallway)

I'll still be working on MooZoo stuff and blogging all the awesome cool photos that I will take...unless they were taken after we've consumed too much wine.
In that case they will go into the vault and never be seen again.

Talking of MooZoo...
If you want to win a MooZoo blog makeover, go HERE and say hi to my blog-girl crush Mama Jots and tell us what you do that makes you happy.

I like to spend the day at the beach with Best Friend, or spend the evening with Husband watching a movie OR spooning with Moo. He's the best little spoon ever.

Three Months.

2011-09-24T18:57:00.001+10:00

Everything is going so well at the moment and not even an argument with Moo over his paws can rain on my sunshiny life right now.

We met with an assessor for long term-permanant foster care earlier this week and in three months once the rest of the assessment is completed we will be approved.

Three months.

90 odd days.

2160 hours.

It feels like it's taken a very long time to finally get here.

We will be parents.

My husband will be a dad.

I'll be a mummy.

Even if it's for a little while.

Even if it's to lost of different children.

We are going to be parents.

*happy dance*

Oh I do like to be beside the seaside...

2011-09-19T16:52:00.001+10:00

9 more days until I see my sister.
I can't even begin to tell you how excited I am to see her.
I'll probably cry at the airport when I meet her at her gate i'm so excited.

We had such a great day yesterday on our beach picnic
watching the speed boats and the kids playing sandcastles and Mac walking up to us with a massive jelly fish in his hands screaming "LOOK AT THIS GUYS, IT'S AWESOME" and Best Friend and I having a heart attack.

You can't really see it here because he's not trying, but Handsome Husband can now sort of turn his smile up!
I'm sure that by Christmas (oh God, why does it have to come so soon) he'll have his smile back.

Hand on heart, things are pretty awesome right now.

insert beach music here

2011-09-18T09:30:00.002+10:00

Spending the day having a picnic at the beach today.
There will be...

♡ Sausage sandwiches

♡ Cold drinks

♡ Speed boats

♡ Snuggles with Woo and Mac

♡ Perving on husband

♡ Sunscreen

♡ Ice Cream

♡ Relaxing

Wherever you are in the world, Happy Sunday.
(it's my official favourite day ever)

FINALLY!

2011-09-15T18:50:00.000+10:00

My Spring/Summer wardrobe

Oh my goodness I'm so glad spring is finally here.
My favourite season is normally autumn or winter at a push but really, since living in QLD we are now so used to the hot weather, I'm shivering cold when it's below 20 degrees (that's in the 60s for you Fahrenheit-ers)

The sun is shining, birds a chirping and the magpies are swooping (no really, they are) and this weekend will be 27-28 degrees!

Husband has the weekend off and we are planning on hanging out at the Redcliffe Festival as it's literally down the road from us, walking by the water and taking lots of photos and maybe...if i'm really lucky, we can have some fish and chips.

I'm even pulling out the 'Summer Glow' for my almost translucent legs to save everyone from burning their eyes when they look at me.

Dear Spring.

Never leave me again.

Love

Sass

Flower dress
80 AUD - forevernew.com.au

Pleated dress
70 AUD - forevernew.com.au

Knit cardigan
$80 - topshop.com

Blouse
60 AUD - justjeans.com.au

Blouse
50 AUD - justjeans.com.au

Haute Hippie chiffon cardigan
$265 - 25park.com

H&M straight leg jeans
£20 - hm.com

Shorts • Bottoms • Dotti
40 AUD - dotti.com.au

* Trouser Pocket Distressed Short
50 AUD - justjeans.com.au

Converse shoes
surfdome.com

Dorothy Perkins strappy heels
£25 - dorothyperkins.com

Flat shoes
target.com

Nine West flat shoes
$79 - ninewest.com

Turquoise bead necklace
30 AUD - forevernew.com.au

Anchor necklace
oliverbonas.com

Catarzi straw trilby hat
$33 - asos.com

Gucci sunglasses
$220 - solsticesunglasses.com

Ray-Ban ray ban shades
$119 - piperlime.gap.com

Accessories - Forever New
forevernew.com.au

*Sheeva Denim Dress • Clothing • New Arrivals • Dotti
70 AUD - dotti.com.au

*Motel Pocket Shirt • Clothing • New Arrivals • Dotti
60 AUD - dotti.com.au

* Flat Front Canvas Short
40 AUD - justjeans.com.au

Colour Block Acrylic 3 Bangle Set - Forever New
20 AUD - forevernew.com.au

gardening with bees

2011-09-14T16:57:00.001+10:00

linking up to My Little Drummer Boys for Wordless Wednesday.

we are family...

2011-09-13T20:56:00.001+10:00

L-R Oohey, ME, Nila, Aly,BobBobShawallyBob

I was counting the other day (if you know me well, you would know this doesn't happen often)

how many brothers and sisters I have.

Both of my parents have re-married, Mother Louise to Lego Man and my Daddy to my Ma.

Both my step parents have children also PLUS Ma and Pa have my two foster brothers.

This means I am a sister to 8 brothers and sisters.

Dear Brothers and Sisters.

(siblings not the tv show)

When they make the TV movie about how insane our family is, I bags Jennifer Love Hewitt.

Love,

Your favourite sister.

Sass

(Jennifer Love Hewitt's twin. Clearly)

This post is brought to you by the letter W for Woo

2011-09-12T16:43:00.000+10:00

Dear Best Friend.

If you loved me like you said you loved me

you would give me Woo.

I promise to love her, feed her and snuggle her till she dies.

Love

We spent the day walking Redcliffe yesterday.

Woo on her bike and Mac on his scooter

seriously, there was nothing cuter watching Woo wobbling along and veering violently in the same direction that her head turned.

I didn't get any photos of Mac yesterday which makes me a bit sad.
I can't believe that he's 7...it feels like yesterday he had just learnt to walk and would stand in front of the TV dancing to the Good Guys ads.

I did however get many of Woo.

I die.

Winner Winner...Chicken Dinner!

2011-09-11T19:35:00.000+10:00

I just have to say, the winner of the blog design by me was actually Carly. HOWEVER as she's mah bestie and receives a blog makeover whenever she pleases I had to re-draw.

SO...
Congratulations Surely Sarah, You have won the MooZoo Designs Blog Makeover!!

MEG!
You have won the Tangled Blu-Ray/DVD combo! Hurrah!!

If you lovely ladies could email me that would be fabdabulabulous!

xx

The one with the awesome pancakes

2011-09-11T12:15:00.000+10:00

I made blueberry pancakes for husband this morning.
Dripping with syrup and melted butter with a steaming hot cup of tea was an excellent start to the day...
and also a spectacular way to break my diet!

Yesterday we built our veggie garden.
Once i've planted all our little seedlings i'll take some pictures to show how awesome it looks.

I'm looking forward to harvesting purple carrots! (I want to make carrot soup JUST so I can have purple soup...Lets ignore the fact that I don't actually really like carrots...)

Today, Best Friend, Mac and Woo are popping in and we are going to go to the beach for fish and chips and playing at the park.
Then, if Oohey is around, we'll xbox chat and feel like we are sitting in the same room and i'll probably cry when we disconnect because I miss her lots.

Happy Sunday Everyone!

Stay tuned this evening, when I announce the winners for the giveaway.

I confess...

2011-09-08T12:18:00.002+10:00

I love acapella.
I particulary love barber shop quartets.

Husband rips it out of me when I get so excited when a group of old men start singing.

So you can imagine my excitement when I found this on the internets.

It's also so awesomely 90s that I'm instantly taken back to dancing around in my tinsel overall SHORTS with my sister in the living room. We were so badass.
Don't forget enter the giveaway for either a blog makeover or a copy of Tangled.For those of you that don't have a Blu-Ray, it comes with a DVD copy also. :)

400 post giveaway

2011-09-03T00:52:00.002+10:00

400 posts.

I don't really know what to say.

I've made it to 400 posts.

four hundred.

I can remember my first post.
I was nervous, sitting on the sofa with my laptop spewing words onto the blog.
I was convinced no one would read and i'd be there writing into the internet ether.

Which was ok. It is okay.

I don't blog for anyone but Husband.

There is this need that I have to impress husband.
I want to make him laugh as much he makes me laugh.
I want him to think i'm as awesome as I think he is.
But it's really aweomse that there are people who want to read my awesomeness.

400 posts about Husband, Moo...okay, mainly Moo, My period, Infertility, IVF, random ramblings and our life at Casa Del Bee. Theres been hope, heartbreak, more heartbreak, mourning, crying and a lot of laughter...also a lot of different blog designs :P

Seriously...
400 posts is really awesome.

Especially as I have a horrible habit of starting something and never finishing.
The only three things that I am 100% sure of. Husband, MooZoo Designs and of course, Life of the Bees.

To celebrate and to say thanks for sticking around, i'd give you a unicorn and cupcakes and balloons and streamers and and and and all the awesome stuff you could imagine however I have run out of my unicorn supply and the rest of the stuff is too hard to organise through the computer.

Instead I am giving away a Blue Ray/DVD of my new favourite Disney movie Tangled.

If you haven't seen it, there must be something wrong with you. (not really, but WHY HAVEN'T YOU SEEN THIS YET?)

Do I look thiner yet? I've been on a carb detox and I AM DYING Y'ALL

I'm also giving away a MooZoo Blog Design donated kindly by myself because I'm nice that that.

You're welcome.

All you have to do is just leave a comment.

The two winners will be drawn on Saturday 10th September 2011.

If you have a preferred prize, please say so in the comments.

The DVD is region free so anyone in the world can enter.

Again,
Really.
Thank you.
Thank you for reading, for commenting, for following, for being awesome.
I've made some fabulously wonderful connections through this little space on the internet and I big pink puffy heart you all.

♥

dies

2011-08-31T15:44:00.000+10:00

Ants go marching one by one! (TO THEIR DEATHS)

2011-08-29T14:32:00.000+10:00

Tragedy in the Ant Community.
At approximately 10am Saturday Morning, a mass grave of over 100 ants were found dead in the bathroom of Mr and Mrs Bee of Brisbane Australia.
The deaths are being treated as suspicious.
Police are seeking information from the public.
Anyone with any further information in relation to this matter please contact Mrs Bee so she can get her murder on again.

Husband hates ants.
Like, roll my fear of Octopus, Clowns, Worms and Spiders together and smoosh them to make a Clown with Octopus tentacles as arms and legs and have worms and spiders gushing from it's mouth when it laughs its horrific cackling of evilness (Little Baby Jesus SAVE ME) and times that by a trillion THATS how much husband hates ants.
I may or may not be exaggerating here

Which means that as soon as you can hear the march of the ants getting into our sugar jar or at least trying to, Husband practically moves out until i've killed every single last one of them.

Which brings us to now.
Currently all the ants in Brisbane have decided they would like to move in with us.
And now I have become the Myra Hindley of the Ant world.

I'm not even allowed to sit in my normal place at the kitchen table as it's too close to where the ants were.

Husband sits and looks at the door with a worried look plastered over his face watching his wife drown a million ants with boiling water.
He hears his wife in the bathroom singing
"The ants go dying one by one hurrah. Hurrah.
The ants go dying one by one Hurrah Hurrah,
The little one stops to say their last rites
and they all go marching down to their horrific deaths.
Down to their horrific deaths"

and all is right in his world.

Until a wasp gets into the house.

He's even more scared of wasps.

Dear Sunday. I love you. The end.

2011-08-28T13:52:00.000+10:00

♥ Real Tea.
♥ Toast
♥ Jam
♥ My friend Kylie Ladds new book Last Summer.

I always think there is something extra special about a Sunday spent at home, especially when Husband is home with me. We hang out watching our favourite movies, I always try and get him to watch The Princess Bride with me again and sometimes if i'm really lucky, he'll let me play Banangrams ~~he doesn't like playing because I win every time.~~

I hope you are having a lovely relaxed weekend filled with tea, toast and a board game with your loved one. (it's the best kind of day)

You can find my We Heart Life Happy Moments HERE.

Yeah! What she said.

2011-08-28T00:46:00.000+10:00

♥

Proof that being in your PJs at 3 in the afternoon is a good thing.

2011-08-27T00:38:00.000+10:00

So, there I was lying on my bed in my pajamas at 3pm on a Thursday.
I'd been feeling a little vomity all morning and was feeling all sorry for myself because I'd POAS because well, it was there, and of course it was negative BECAUSE I CAN'T GET PREGNANT.
You would think I would learn by now.
Moo was lying on his back with his feet in my face and all I could smell were cookies.
My dogs feet smelt like cookies. (that's weird right? it's not normal for dogs feet to smell of baked goods is it)

Anyway.

There I was lounging around on my bed feeling like poo and flicking through the pages of the latest delicious Frankie Magazine, sighing at all the pretty things and reading bits of articles out to the dog (as you do) when I came across an advert.

And? I hear you say.

It was for the CATC Design School.
Offering all sorts of awesome things...but what stood out was the Graphic Design Course.
I sat and looked at the page then looked at moo and then back to the page again.
I folded the corner over and kept on reading.
Every page I looked at I couldn't help turning back to the advertisement.
So, after drooling over the Jam Recipe (that I am SO making this weekend if husband allows) I looked the course up.
And after discussing with Twitter and demanding Lex stop working and listen to me talk myself into enrolling, I did just that.

I enrolled.
I had to give a reason why I wanted to do the course and while I thought that I was just doing it on a whim and I wasn't really that bothered, as soon as she asked, I realised that I really really wanted to get in. Like, I'd offer to bake her a rainbow cake and give her a free blog design if it meant getting in.
Hell, I'd swim with an Octopus if I had to.

That's a lie.
I would never do that.
Ever.
Not even if husband was drowning. I'd be all, 'I'm sorry honey, I love you, but not that much.'

I figure I'm already doing the job of a Graphic Designer with my work anyway (MooZoo isn't all blog design i'll have you know) and if it can expand my knowledge then it's time well spent (and more debt)

So...I'm in.
She believed my stammering and pleading as to why I should be let into their awesome cool school of design.
I start October 17th.
It's full time.
In a year I will have a Diploma in Graphic Design.

Which is pretty weird/scary/awesome.

Where I realise why i'm a little weird.

2011-08-26T00:40:00.001+10:00

My Nanny Dot once bought me a set of Mills and Boon books.

When I was 10.

I'll just let you think about that for a second.

I can remember sitting in the lounge room reading about some handsome mans throbbing members and thinking to myself 'Man, that must be some headache'

I don't know why she bought me soft porn disguised as a romance novel.

My Nanny Dot is a church going God fearing lady.

Who pushes soft porn on her eldest Granddaughter.

And I've just realised where all my issues and weirdness stem from.

It wasn't the fact that I never got a barbie car when I was younger even though every. single. year. I asked for one. Instead Oohey got the Barbie Jeep, The Barbie Horse float and other really awesome stuff.
You wanna know what I got when I asked for a Barbie Car?
A barbie bike.
And not a real life size bike that would have had the neighbourhood girls in fits of jealous rage over either.
No.
A bike for my barbie.
It was like mum was trying to teach Barbie a lesson in saving for a car, or promoting fitness.
Instead it caused a deep seeded resentment towards my sister and her stupid dumb barbie horse float and matching jeep.

No.
It wasn't the night I was getting ready for bed and felt like my insides were on fire and I crawled into my mums room clutching my side asking where my appendix were and she told me to go to bed because "What are hospitals full of? Beds. That's right. Go to Bed"
The next day I really did think I was going to die.
She took me to Nannys and whinged that I was just trying to bunk off school for the day.
I hold no resentment to the fact that just 6 hours later I was in the operating room having my appendix taken out.

No.

All my problems started when Nanny handed over 6 Mills and Boon books full of throbbing members, stormy nights and quivering thighs.

I just really love him which is why he's in this post.
Also, he can make my thighs quiver anytime.
You probably shouldn't have read that Husband.
Or Mum.
Or Nanny.
Or anyone really.
I'll stop now.
.
.
.

But LOOK at him.
REALLY LOOK at him.
His arms.
His lips.
Oh Sweet Lord those lips.
I'm stopping.
.
.
.
Isn't he just handsome though.
I could swim in those eyes.
.
.
.
Sass Hearts Alexander Forever*

*see what I did there?

Me vs Mean Girls and Golden Showers.

2011-08-25T01:50:00.000+10:00

This woman peed on me once.

And she's STILL my best friend.

That's love.

Did you ever show up to school one day and find that all of your friends had decided they didn't like you anymore?
It happened to me once.
I literally went from most popular girl in school to most hated.
It was terrible and I can still feel the hot prickly feeling of rejection and hurt in my stomach.
It was the worst month of my life.
(okay, slight over exaggeration there, but at the time...sheesh. HARSH)

At almost 27 years of age and over 10 years of being out of high school I was instantly back in that place again the other day.
It wasn't just one incident it was a couple of incidences scattered over a course of a few days with a handful of different people and it left me exhausted and really questioning myself.

I spent all day yesterday chatting to Carly and working but all day the nasty feeling was still in the back of my mind even though I told myself to let. it. all. go.
Until I realised something.

You don't have to like me.
It's really okay if you don't.
I can understand how my awesomeness can be intimidating to other people.
But it's not okay to be nasty.
And it's not okay to bitch about me.
And it's not okay to use me or my husband.
It's really not okay to use me as a "next best thing" and then drop me when the better thing comes along.

That's not okay.
At least not with me.

I was talking to a very good friend about how weird the female species are.
We try so hard to be liked and a lot of the time it's by people who really, aren't that awesome in the first place.
I was putting so much effort into trying to be liked by a handful of people who clearly aren't interested in me.
Which is fine.
That's their choice. I'm not going to be a saddo and whinge about it or beg people to be friends with me.
That's icky and makes me feel anxious just thinking about that.

It's now my choice not to be that person.

From now on, my energy isn't going to be wasted on these kinds of people and I urge you to do the same if you find yourself doing the same.

Life is too short to be unhappy.
Surround yourself with people who love you and are interested in you and care about you.
Don't waste your time on the mean girls. (or boys)

I want to say, if I have ever made anyone uncomfortable or made them feel like they weren't included in my conversation, or plans, or my life, OR my genuine coolness (of which I can assure you is plenty) I'm sorry and that was never ever my intention.

I'm just really grateful for the people that I do have in my life that want to hang out with me.
Even if I can be socially awkward and talk too much, or too loud...or that sometimes I can't leave my house because i'm a weirdo my anxiety has me pacing the house like a lunatic.

I'm grateful for my tweeps and my faceys who love me.
I'm grateful for my IRL friends who are really awesome
I'm grateful for husband. He's my other best friend (and he's never peed on me) and he's so handsome it makes my tummy feel funny when I think of him.
and I'm grateful that I have Best Friend to listen to me be weird and loves me for who I am.

Even if she peed on me.

Have you ever been in this situation before?
How do you/would you deal with it? I'd love to know :)

*Work/Life/Parenting avoidance stagey #340

2011-08-24T01:07:00.000+10:00

I've seen this around some of my favourite blogs this week and as soon as my new blog lover and stalkee MamaJots posted this, I thought I should copy her and bore you with stuff that you probably already know about me or don't want to know about me.

The plus side to this post is that you can have at least 2 minutes of your life stolen from me.
You're welcome.

AGE: 26. In just three more months i'll be 27. Which is weird because to me that's an adult and I most certainly don't feel like an adult.
BED SIZE: Queen. Although we should have a king with the amount of room Moo takes up. He likes to sleep across the bed. In the middle. It's uncomfortable and interesting.
CHORE THAT I HATE: I hate hanging the washing out. Hate it.
DOGS: MOO!! Oh how I love him.
ESSENTIAL START TO MY DAY: Moo Snuggles then tea or coffee.
FAVOURITE COLOUR: If you don't know this then we can't be friends anymore. (it's turquoise)
GOLD OR SILVER: White Gold or Platnium. My wedding bands are platinum and everything else I own is either white gold or silver. Yellow gold looks weird on me.
HEIGHT: I come from the land of the short. I wish I wore heals more to make me taller but it just doesn't happen.
INSTRUMENTS I PLAY: Piano and I can play some things on the Guitar. I did piano lessons when I was younger and can read music. In a couple of months (when I get the piano tuned) i'm going to start to teach Mac how to play.
JOB TITLE: Designer of pretty things for the interwebs. Seriously, if someone had told me years ago that I would have my own little business designing blogs and websites and other awesome cool things I would have laughed.
When I grow up I still want to be a princess. And a bounty hunter. That job sounds awesome.
KIDS: 10 years of infertility. Failed IVF and a tumour in my uterus. No. No kids.
Lets move along before I start to cry.
LIVE: Best friend and I are now calling it Radcliffe. Because it's like totally rad and stuff. But for those that don't know where that is, North Brisbane. (the only place to be mofos)
MOTHERS NAME: Louise. But that's Mother Louise to you. (you may also call her mummy darling pumpkin head if you wish)
NICKNAMES: Sass. In fact, the only time I get called Sarah is by my best friend or by my Dad. Sassy-lou-by my Nanny, Sassilberry by my step dad and brothers, Skank by Auntie Bear and Glenndad. Husband calls me Sass, honey or munchkin. If anyone ever calls me Sez i'll hurt them in the face. The only person allowed to call me Sare is my childhood best friend benny.
OVERNIGHT HOSPITAL STAYS: I had my appendix out when I was in year 8. Mother Louise won 'Mother of the Year Award 1998' or not.
PET PEEVES: Loud eaters. Anyone touching my feet. Rudeness. When people don't what I want them to do. (I get that from my mum :P)
QUOTE FROM A MOVIE: "I used to be legit. I was too legit. I was too legit to quit. but now I'm not legit. I'm unlegit. And for that reason, I must quit." Hot Rod. If you want to laugh your face off, I suggest you watch this movie NOW.
RIGHT OR LEFT HANDED: Right.
SIBLINGS: Including step siblings and my foster brothers I am the second eldest of 9.
TIME I WAKE UP: When Husband gets up to go to work. Then I doze until a more respectable time of 8ish when Moo decides he needs to do a wee.
UNDERWEAR: I don't believe in uncomfortable knickers. Bonds hipster briefs for me.
VEGETABLE I HATE: I will never ever ever ever ever eat yellow squash. It's disgusting and should be banned forever. I also refuse to eat fennel. It's a freaking abomination. Who the heck wants to eat a vegetable that tastes like liquorice for crying out loud!
WHAT MAKES ME RUN LATE: HUSBAND. Also my anxiety. Especially if I've worked myself up into a panic attack. You'll be lucky to get me out of the house.
X-RAYS I'VE HAD: Arm, Back, Teeth and I can't even begin to tell you how many ultrasounds i've had. I am very well acquainted with wandy.
YUMMY FOOD THAT I MAKE: Everything. I used to be a cook. I come from a family with exceptional cooking skills. I used to make a mean pavlova but Nanny cursed me the day after she died when I was bragging about how I could make a wicked pav and she couldn't. Since that day, every single one of my pavlovas has failed.
ZOO ANIMAL: Bears. Because I am a bear. But secretly, I'd love to be a Giraffe with tall legs and a long thin neck. Instead, I'm chubby and quite frankly my legs right now are probably as hairy.

Just look at her. Silently judging me on my lack of long legs and neck.

*insert whatever applies.

Feelings

2011-08-22T13:35:00.000+10:00

I drink Coffee in a tea cup.

I have a blog crush on MamaJots
I want to marry her and make beautiful design babies with her.

There is a beanbag chair in the corner of my office next to my desk that Moo has decided is his and his only.
It's nice to hear him snoring while I'm working my fingers to the bone.
I talk to him.
A lot.
About what our plans are for the day, what he's having for dinner, what the weather is like and how he isn't the boss of everyone so stop telling everyone off all day!
I make sure I say 'treat' a couple of times to make sure he's listening.

I had my feelings hurt about some work that I did for MooZoo. I wanted to run away and give it all up then and there. A very kind friend hit the nail on the head. I put a little piece of my heart into everything I do and when someone says that my work looks disgusting, it feels like they are calling me disgusting.
Normally my reaction when someone is horrible to me is to fight back with a snarky reply or rip their head off.
This time it cut deep and I wanted the ground to open up and swallow me.
My confidence is a little wobbly now and I am second guessing everything that I do which is silly.
I have lots of business and if I was really that bad I wouldn't be so busy... ??

Right?

Right?

Anyone??

I declare this PJ Sunday

2011-08-21T15:15:00.001+10:00

Currently lusting after

want want want want want want want want want want WANT

I die every time I look at one.

I filled in the order form and got my credit card out ready to make all my organisation dreams come true...when I saw that postage to Australia is actually more than the planner itself.
And then I cried for many many days.

Dear Husband.

If you loved me like you say you do,

you would buy it for me.

Love

Wife

p.s

Don't make me blackmail you.

AGAIN.

Like when you said you felt so happy you could die

2011-08-17T00:20:00.001+10:00

I'm busy.
Really busy actually.
So busy that I forgot to eat all day because I was working so gash darn hard today.

I got that horrible sick feeling in my stomach when I realised that there is only one of me and lots of customers waiting for their blogs/websites/stuff/blood/life/attention.

Actually the attention is for Moo.
He is playing up at the moment because i'm ignoring him.
(because ~~I'm a bad mother~~ ~~bad multi-tasker~~ ~~pinterest is addictive~~ ~~silent witness is on~~ I have to work)

He spent all day with his nose pressed up against the window looking for things to bark at.

A List of things Moo barks at.

♥ Cats

♥ Dogs

♥ People walking down the street

♥ People driving in their cars past our house (tricky as we live on a main road)

♥ People in general!

♥ The broom

♥ The mop

♥ The Vacuum Cleaner

♥ Anything with wheels on it

♥ Anything that squeeks

♥ My yelling voice

♥ Wind.

♥ Air.

♥ The world.

Is it bad that he's my favourite thing in the WHOLE wide world...even more than husband, chocolate milk and our future first born child even when he drives me I N S A N E ?

I think I need help.

xx

p.s

it shall be his punishment for being a little stinker.

and finally...

YOU NEED TO READ THIS POST

Because it's beautiful and shows how important Hope and Faith really is.

Congratulations Nie Nie.

I am beyond happy for you and your gorgeous family.

p.p.s

I'm over here guest posting about blog design do's and don'ts.

Best pop over and take my advice.

1. because I said so

and

2. because i'll be your bestest friend.

Today is the greatest. Day you'll ever know

2011-08-14T14:38:00.001+10:00

I am ashamed that I just used that song lyric in my post title.
(whoever guesses the awful band and the song title gets a unicorn and a one night stand with me*)

It really was.

It's not even over yet which makes it a million times awesomer. (that is totally a word)

Clearly I have the best looking bicycle in the whole of Australia. Maybe even the world...
It's not finished yet though. I need to pimp it up a little.
I'm so adding some streamers to the handlebars, a flag at the back and of course, no beach cruiser can be without some spokey dokes.

Close your eyes and imagine me in a pretty summer dress and moo running along side me (ignore him biting at my wheels) down by the beach, warm summer air blowing in my hair.
I have also had much plastic surgery and leg lengthening surgery to look like this...

seriously, how long are ~~this girls~~ my legs!?!

This year, Summer is going to be really awesome.

* one night stand only applies to husband.
or Johnny Depp.

Stephamummah

2011-08-14T08:40:00.000+10:00

A ramble about nothing really.

2011-08-11T08:59:00.007+10:00

Can you see that Moo has a scar on his nose?
Someone once told him ~~it wasn't me~~ that chicks dig scars.

Husband took me out to dinner for our anniversary the other night.
After spending ages making myself look pretty for husband to show me off and looking at menus online at the places we wanted to go, we decided on a certain steakhouse near where we live.

I had carefully selected my outfit...trendy enough in my black dress, tights, boots and caramel cardy from ASOS (oh sweet lord I love ASOS) and pimped by hair so it was attempting to look like this


image

Epic fail Sass. Epic fail.

and decided that why yes, this was an occasion to put a full face of makeup on and promptly slathered a million layers of goop on my face.

The end result was okay if I do say so myself.
(there are no pictures because I'm allergic to a camera flash and immediately balloon to the size of a baby whale...ohh wait...)

I had starved myself to the point of gnawing my arm off in anticipation of a big fat juicy steak and then some sort of evil gooy chocolate pudding greatness for dessert; so you can guess our disappointment when we realised the menu was different to what it said online (hello false advertising)

In fact, the whole website of the place was false advertising.
We were lead to believe that it was a nice establishment with proper waitresses...
not plastic outdoor chairs INDOORS and everything served with chips and salad.

Not that I don't have a problem with chips and salad. Take me to the RSL Club and i'm there with my chicken snitzel chips and gravy thankyouverymuch...

Just not when i've worked myself for something that it's not thank you very much.

I really should have known we were in bogan territory when another patron walked in with long hair and dirty jeans...I have nothing against long hair on men. I happen to think it can be quite attractive...just not this kind of man with his long greasy receding hairline and "these jeans don't have a zipper that works properly so everyone can see my doodle" type.

Despite the doodle man and the plastic chairs inside, we had a nice evening.

I always wondered if we would run out of things to talk about after all these years of marriage but I'm pleased to say we haven't.

I also realise that I'm really very lucky.

I have a husband that really loves me.
Like really really loves me.
I still get butterflies when I see him walk through the door after work
and I get the giggles and nervous when it comes to sex
(you should have stopped reading a while back family)

Which must mean ~~that i'm incredibly immature~~ that we are doing something right.

We may not ever have kids of our own but that's ok.
As long as I have husband, my life will still be pretty awesomesauce.

The End.

10 things

2011-08-10T08:25:00.001+10:00

What are yours?

Tell me in the comments or even better, do a blog post and then come back and share the link.
I wanna know what you love.

(it's okay to put me on your list. I won't be uncomfortable)

Dear Husband

2011-08-09T08:01:00.003+10:00

*sigh*

Dear Husband.
Do you remember that time I came out of the hairdressers and you exclaimed "Wow! You look like a model?"
I still get the giggles when I remember your face.

Do you remember that time the other day when I told you to turn onto the Deagon Deviation and you continued on the Gateway Motorway taking us the really really long way into brisbane?
It's still not my fault.

Do you remember that time when you said I could have a Boston Terrier?
No.
Me neither.

Hey husband.
Do you remember the first time you said 'I Love You'?
I do.

Do you remember that time when we watched Short Bus with my sister?
My eyes can never unsee what they saw.

Oi Hubbaroony...
Do you remember that time you said that something smelt "divine"?
I'll never let you forget that.
ever.

Do you remember that time when you bought me home a new bottle of foundation in the correct colour because you noticed that I was running low?
I will forever.

Dearest Sexie Lexie.
That time we drove to the coast with no radio or cd player so we sang Queen songs as loud as we could with all the windows down still to this day remains one of my top 5 happiest moments with you.

Do you remember the time we went to your first Tool concert?
We were in the mosh pit and you had to keep holding me up because I was too small and everyone was jumping on me.
I will always feel safe in your arms.

Lovely Hubby.
Do you remember that time you had me hold an ear candle in your ear?
The flames got so big and you were screaming like a GIRL.
That was hilarious.

Dear Husband.

Happy Anniversary.

I love you.

What do little girls dream of?

2011-08-08T16:38:00.000+10:00

When I was a little girl my mum was curious about what little girls dreamt off.

As she went to tuck me in, I rolled over and in my sleep I whispered

"pretty shoes"

and really, I don't think i've ever stopped.

It's still exciting to me that my best friend and her kids live around the corner from us now.
I've seen more of them since we've moved than I did last year alone and that really is too awesome to even put into words.

I had the pleasure of spending some time with the three of them this afternoon.

We went for a walk and had a play on the park.
I was even excited to see that my bum now fits on a swing seat.

Miss Woo and I spent a lot of our time on the swing set.
I taught the hello goodbye game my Oohey and I used to play when we were little on our swing set.

I was tempted to teach her the Juicy Juicy Green Grass song that my other sister and I used to sing at the top of our lungs while trying to get the swings to go over the bars and the poles that were concreted in the ground were being pulled out of their holes and thumping back into place but thought of my friends sanity and didn't.

We then came home and put the two dirty kids in the spa and let them have as many bubbles as they wanted.

It was a fabulous afternoon.

I'm glad we moved.
I'm glad I have them in my life...
even if my heart breaks a little when they leave.

Beaver Girl

2011-08-06T13:49:00.000+10:00

You know when you've been away on holiday or a business trip and you come home and everything is where it's supposed to be...including the knickers you left on the bathroom floor?

I feel like that, but about my blog
:D

I've been neglecting Life of the Bees recently and I feel guilty.
Every time I turn on the computer, walk past my office, open blogger for a customer with moozoo I get a twinge of guilt.

It's not that I don't want to blog.
I do.
I have lots to say.

But I am so busy.
SO busy with MooZoo which is fabulous but it also means that a lot of things get put on the backburner while I'm working.
Including things like spending time with husband when he's home or giving moobear an extra cuddle.
Which is why i've decided that I will no longer work on MooZoo on the weekends (or the days that Lex is off)
If it means that I don't complete a design right away, that's ok.
:)

My sister has been up here soaking in the sun and letting me look after her.
She went home last week and I miss her terribly.
It's the little things that I miss.
Like tea in the mornings or coffee in the afternoons.
Too much wine outside in the freezing cold giggling and smoking cigarettes. (I gave up two years ago and I'm sad to say that while she was here I had one)
Playing Banagrams while telling secrets.
And holding her hand when things are hard and scary and terrible.

Its our wedding anniversary on Tuesday.
We stick to the traditional anniversary gifts every year (which is h.a.r.d)
it doesn't help that husband is a fantastic gift buyer and i'm really shitty.
This year we are both stumped at what to buy (this one is pottery or willow)
I've forbidden any willow statues in this house (unless it's the Christmas nativity scene) or really crappy mugs from zaz.zle.
I wish there was someone out there that made xmen figures with pottery.
That would be awesome and I would win the best anniversary present award.
Sadly, there is not...which is probably a good thing as I don't want to have to explain why there is a massive wolverine pot in the corner of the room.

this wolverine...

image

not this wolverine.

image

WTF this is an actual statue.
Who would buy one of these??
Also, why would you want to be a superhero named after one of those?
And another also, imagine if there was a superhero named Beaver Girl.

*insert stunned silence here*

Up late with Sass

2011-07-19T23:51:00.000+10:00

Moo is allergic to grass.
Which is awesome as we moved into this house because the backyard is awesome and big and FULL OF GRASS

We took Moo to the vet for his allergy and he was most upset at getting his temperature taken.

Husband still has Bell's Palsy

I have stopped bleeding.
In fact, I stopped bleeding the day after my last post.
I didn't want to say anything because well, I'm really sick of talking about my fracking period and i'm sure you are all too.
Also, my body is stupid and dumb and I didn't really trust it to keep up this non periodness thing going on.

Since Aunt Flo has been kicked to the curb i've lost 5kg.
Turns out eating better and exercising works...

To encourage continued weightloss I am planning on renewing our marriage vows in March next year.
It's going to be the party of the century. Be prepared to have lots of whinging about what I want vs what we can afford in the future.
(I want a tea party with cakes and sweet treats, pink lemonade, pink champagne in a garden that will go into the night with fairy lights, a live band so i can dance my ass off and enough malibu and cranberry juice to drown in)

I still haven't unpacked everything.

My sister J is coming to see me.
We haven't actually spent more than half an hour with each other in four years after a massive falling out.
We have however spent hours and hours and hours on the phone to each other talking about everything from poo to veganisim.
Her visit is forcing me to unpack the rest of the boxes...but only because if I don't she'll be sleeping on them.

My best friend has decided she wants to move back to our home town.
She broke my damn heart.
I have now made it my mission to change her mind.
Am not above handcuffing her to myself so she can't leave.
(she peed on me once when we were ski biscuiting so we have no boundaries anymore)

We watched the new Winnie The Pooh movie the other night.
I almost cried I was so happy.

I wonder how many hits i'll get on this blog for mentioning poo and peeing.

People are strange.

What is it good for...

2011-07-17T16:35:00.000+10:00

There is a war about to break out in the Bee household.
Husband and Moo against Me.

During the day everything is wonderful.
I have a loving husband, a naughty but loveable (probably only to me) dog and the three of us make a happy household.

Until bedtime.

You see, I am surrounded by thieves.

Blanket thieves.

At least five times a night i'll wake up with just the corner of the quilt covering me and Lex and Moo will be snuggled in tight and snoring (I would say lightly but that would be a lie)

Making matters worse is that our awesome cool ikea bed...really isn't that awesome cool.

At the slightest movement, sigh or blink the slats go through the bed and before you know it, you are halfway between the bed and the floor and wondering how in the living daylights are you going to get out.

The first time it happened to me I was on the phone to my sister and I was mortified.
Convincing myself that I was so fat I was breaking the bed when I sat on the edge I was quite prepared to eat only lettuce for the rest of my days until I could be trusted to sit on any furniture.

Happily for me and unhappily for husband, we realised that when we made the bed we didn't follow all the instructions and ended the conversation with "she'll be right" you know...those famous last words...
So Husband dug out his trusty drill and got bed-rebuiling...
Only it hasn't actually helped at all...
and now as well as the slats falling though the bed, the "reinforcement" steel bracket also crashes to the ground.

It's hysterically funny at 3am watching husband in his pants hold the mattress above his head with his body and fight with the slats that refuse to go back in together...
for me anyway.

So any attempt to take back half of the blankets is made by holding my breath and tugging lightly on my inch of a corner.
Some nights I am victorious and manage to cover at least half of my body.

Other nights...like last night, I was left with only the top sheet and the electric blanket.

It's on.
Like Donkey Kong.

From tonight I am taking in reinforcements...

another blanket...

which Moo will probably steal as his own...leaving me with nothing.

again.

She walks!

2011-07-05T16:27:00.000+10:00

and breathes and unpacks more bloody boxes!

We are finally in our new house and LOVING it...
Other than the fridge not working...
the washing machine has decided it doesn't "do" cold water anymore...
Moo and the dog next door hating on each other...so much so that we had to put up a second fence to stop moo from getting to the dog...
and our bedroom being so small that I had to go to ikea and buy a new bed.
What a shame.

It's lovely being so close to the people that we love, I've seen more of Best Friend than I have all year this week, have marvelled at how tall her kids are getting, mixed far too much codeine with malibu with Faithikins, ate pizza and chilled out (I do believe Moo loves her almost as much as he loves his mummy) and this Sunday the Bee household will be full with three fabulous ladies as we drink tea and eat scones.

Also, husband is home from work in less than 25 minutes.

This...this is all amazing and why I demanded we move.

Everyone should join me in some happy dancing and hip thrusting.

Boring medical stuffs that I know you all really want to know about...

I had a scan the other day and I feel I am about to be put into the too hard basket.
My lining was 3.5cm even though I had upped the progesterone to double what I was taking and I was STILL bleeding.
The look of alarm on Dr S's face was, well at first it was funny and then it was so very unfunny.
I was instructed to up the progesterone even more (to 10 a day...awesome!) and although it should have worked, it actually made it worse.

It did however turn me into an emotional freak.
I spent one whole day almost in tears and clinging on to husband because I was convinced he didn't love me anymore and he had some fancy lady called something sophisticated like Nicole (not nicky thankyouverymuch) that he had fallen in love with and they were going to run off into the sunset and have children called Preston and Candice and I would be alone and barren for the rest of my days.

That was a hard day and i'm very grateful that husband didn't have me committed.

I was prescribed some awesome cool drugs that worked for a day and the other prescription i'm refusing to take...
because it's an up the bum kinda pill...
and i'm not an up the bum kinda girl.
No matter how much pain i'm in.

Maybe.

I'm now off everything to have a period...which is like the longest most painful period of my life to see what happens. What we are wanting my body to do is, well, stop bleeding. (because I believe being on my period for over 7 months is really really really really shitty)
I'm about to take shares out in Libra and the amount of painkillers i've been taking could knock an elephant out so i really want to stop bleeding by myself.

I have a scan and an appointment with Dr S tomorrow morning. Hopefully he will have an action plan...
although I have a feeling it will be another surgery. Not cool body. Not cool.

Now i'm off to hunt down all women called Nicole that is out to steal my husband and stare angrily at the boxes that I haven't unpacked yet because they are so lazy and should damn well unpack themselves.

Missed you all terribly.

xo

This post is untitled

2011-06-17T00:35:00.000+10:00

Also titled Sass is rambling and feeling sorry for herself.

We sold our truck today.

Sure, old people could never get in OR out of the beast and there was the time my best friend filled the tank up with PETROL in our DIESEL truck (thank GOD for uncles who are mechanics and will come and save the day) and yes, maybe I had to take a running jump to get in the damn thing because I'm vertically challenged but there is something about a big grunting huge 4WD that appeals to my aggressive nature.

It drove us from Canberra to Brisbane...that's just the 1205km...or over 13 hours but add toilet stops, moo breaks, food breaks and oh my gosh if I don't get out of this car RIGHT THIS INSTANT I'M GOING TO HURT SOMEONE stops it really ends up being eleventybillion hours.

It had a CB radio which was so awesome. My sister and I had lots of fun chatting driving in two different cars and having a conversation until some kid tuned into our station and started swearing at us.

It also made me sad.

We bought that car with the specific intention of having it as our family car.
This was before any fertility treatments or any heartbreak.
We were giddy with excitement that this is what was going to start our family life together.
Enough room for the kids, room for the dog in the back and handy because it was high and I wouldn't have to bend in and out of a car clipping baby seats in.
We sold our Subaru WRX, waved goodbye to the fun car and were excited that soon... soon we'd have a baby.

Clearly that worked out well.

Which kind of brings me to moving.
Every house that we move into my best friend and I have the same conversation.
She says "This is an excellent family house"
I say, "Isn't it? That's why I love it so much"
She says "Yup, I can see you pregnant and having a baby in this house"
and I say "Yes! It's going to happen this year"
I plan what the bedroom will look like, If we have the room, I leave it completely empty because it's the babies room and i'll imagine what i'll look like pregnant in the kitchen, or what we'll look like eating dinner as a family and where i'll sit in the middle of the night rocking our child.

And then another year goes by.

No baby
Just big houses that we fill full of stuff to compensate for the fact that we don't have kids.
Our friends with kids lamenting that we must have so much money because we don't have children
and us sighing and me smothering the urge to scream that i'd give ALL the money we had in the WORLD to have what they have.

Ignore me.

I'm tired.
I'm still bleeding.
I'm doing everything right.
But I'm still bleeding.

* end depressing post.

So uncool

2011-06-11T19:46:00.000+10:00

On Wednesday Lex and I had a day where we really just didn't like each other.

I know, I know, how can you not like me? I'm pretty awesome.

But secretly, I can be a horrible person to live with. Especially at the moment with the amount of progesterone i'm on. So much as look at me funny and i'll murder you. Or cry.
Or both even.
While i'm chopping up your body to feed to Moo i'll be howling at how unfair it is that you had to die and why oh why did that polar bear have to kill that seal? I mean, I understand she hadn't eaten anything in six months but surely the camera crew could have given the bear some steak or something?

Combine that with the stress that we are moving in like 2 and a half weeks and Lex having cold feet about moving back to Brisbane and my work stress and his work stress and money stress and ohmygodwhycanteverythingjustSTOP stress, had Husband and I having a whispered argument in the middle of the shopping centre, a screaming fight in the car (I was doing the screaming, he was doing the sulky I'm not talking to you crazy lady silent treatment) and then a long hour drive back up to the sunshine coast in complete silence.
It was awesome.

Not.

So on Thursday, when all had been forgiven and Lex and I were back to being bestest best friends again, he started to complain of an ear ache.
HA! I said.
Serves you right for being a nasty pastie to me yesterday.
It's the universe getting you back for being a mean husband and making me cry.

By Thursday afternoon before Lex was to go to work I was still smug that the universe was on my side and husbands punishment was just!

As he left for work he complained that his face felt weird and that he didn't feel too well.

"Oh Well" I said and packed him off to work.

By 6pm things were getting worse for husband.
He couldn't feel the right side of his face, blink, feel his tongue and the pain from his ear was making him want to cry.

And then I realised that really, I'm a horrible person and my poor husband wasn't well at all.

Doctors were called and we were told to monitor him, watch for a rash and if he got any worse take him to A&E.
We drugged him up and went to bed where I woke up on the hour every hour to make sure he was 1. still breathing and 2. wasn't covered in a weird rash. (they were thinking perhaps shingles)

Friday my husbands face was replaced by two face from batman.
His whole right side was drooped and as much as he tried he couldn't move anything.

So to the doctors we went.

As I sat in the doctors room listening to her rattle off things like blood clot in the brain, brain tumour and cancer (for those not in the know, lex already has T Cell Lymphoma, so that would mean it had spread and would be classed as secondary cancer)

Well fuck me I thought.

Universe, you win.
That packet of gummi bears my sister and I stole from woolworths when we were little was coming back to shove my karma where the sun don't shine.

We walked across the road hand in hand to have a CT scan on Lex.
He said that when he was getting the scan he was the most scared he's ever been in his whole life.
And you know,
I was terrified too.

And as we waited in the doctors office as she read the report I was thinking, is this going to be the day?
Is this going to be the day that our lives are destroyed again?
Also, I was thinking about my shoes and how the tack that holds the sole to the shoe was stabbing my foot and that I wish I wore different shoes.
Odd.
But anyway.

No Cancer.
No Tumour.
No Blood Clot.

THANK YOU GOD.

Because really, I don't think we could cope with anything else.

Diagnoses?

Bell's Palsy.
He's on steroids, off work for a while and he starts physio on Wednesday on his face to try and get his face moving again.

For now though, my handsome husband is still handsome...
just on one side he looks like he's unhappy...but still handsome as ever.

So, for now, the Bee household is feeling a little sorry for ourselves, but never fear blog readers,
we haven't lost our humour.

If it never gets better lex will give up his day job
and become an Elvis impersonator.

before bell's palsy

Thankyouverymuch

Official

2011-06-09T16:34:00.001+10:00

We have a house!

It has a door

and

windows

and

wood floor boards

and

a shower with two shower heads

A spa bath

and

a deck

and

a space for MooZoo headquarters

and

a man cave

with

a bar

and

a little guest bedroom area.

AND

it's

BRISBANE

close to my girlfriends

close to husbands work

close to transport

close to the water

close to a park

close to the shops

and

all that panic that has been building

gone.

Everything is going to be okay...Okay?

2011-06-05T15:43:00.000+10:00

Did I tell you we have to be out of our house by June 30?

That's 24 more days.

We have 24 more days to...

♥ Pack everything
♥ Clean everything
♥ Sell our car
♥ FIND A HOUSE
♥ Find a squillion dollars to move or we'll be living in a cardboard box
♥ Move into house
♥ Unpack everything
♥ Not Kill Husband
♥ Relax.

So really, on a day like today I shouldn't be sitting on my behind, drinking tea and watching Silent Witness with Moo snuggles.

And I really shouldn't have taken on so much work with MooZoo

And I really shouldn't have eaten that McDonalds the other day because I'm fat and I don't want to be fat anymore.

But I am and I have.

There is always tomorrow...
Right?

Right?

Hellooooo???

*you still have a couple of hours left to donate to the we heart life kiss goodbye to MS group and have a chance at winning this awesome frame and print designed by ME.

** Also, the giveaway at MooZoo Designs is still going...if you think your blog needs a new look, go there now and enter!

Some things.

2011-06-03T18:20:00.000+10:00

We have three and a bit more weeks until we have to move.

*insert crying, rocking and panicking here*

THREE WEEKS.

Ahhhh crap.

We went to view some houses today and I have fallen in love with a beautiful old Queenslander on the water front.

I've pretty much already moved all our furniture in there.

I'm making breakfast in the kitchen then walking down the long (boy is it long) hallway to the front sun room to look at the water and sigh happily that I live in the bestest house in the world.

Also...

It's got a freaking white picket fence.

The end.

Also, while I have your undivided attention... (it better be people)

One.
I am running a competition over at MooZoo Designs for a FREE blog makeover.
It's pretty awesome and I think you should enter. Go HERE to enter. (and I'll be your best friend forever)

Two.
There is also the chance to win an awesome print and pretty frame over at we heart life today until Sunday.
All you need to do is donate to the we heart life team Kiss Goodbye to MS.
Do that HERE
(if you don't I won't be your best friend anymore)

That is all.

You may go now.

xo

Mah Faithikins, I do so love you.

2011-05-31T09:00:00.008+10:00

Once Upon a Time there was a girl called Sass.

She had just moved up to Queensland and had just started working for an evil telecommunications company (for the second time because clearly she was a glutton for punishment) called Bodabone.

During her years at the evil corporation of general evilness and no reception ANYWHERE Sass met and fell deeply in love with her Faithikins.

Sass and Faithikins had many a laughs.
There was the Christmas spent in Moronfield with the heavy metal Christmas Songs, the fighting over not serving the stinky lady and endless smoko breaks when we should have been serving the stinky lady... not to mention the meth head (really) who bought her huge TV into the store in a shopping trolly and stole a charger.

Their love for their staffy puppies cemented their love and Sass cried for friend when her sweet Amber went to puppy heaven.

However, what Sass is most grateful for is Faithikins friendship.
Especially over her stupid dumb faulty womb.

While Sass raged at the world after last years IVF failure, Faithikins raged along side Sass.
They blasted awesome old school NuMetal as loud as they could from their houses and declared their love for one another and how unfair life can sometimes be over Facebook.

After, Faithikins drove to the sunshine coast to just sit with Sass and watch weirdo documentaries about crazy people adopting monkeys instead of children.

It's her birthday today.

***

Really, I don't think Faith really knows how much she means to the Bee household.
Especially me.
When I say I have Faith,
I really really do.

Happy Birthday Sweetness.

The Barkers love you muchly.

Miss you and we will see you soon.
xoxo

Kiss Goodbye to MS 2011

2011-05-30T12:56:00.001+10:00

I remember when my mum was diagnosed with MS.

Husband and I were living in Canberra having just moved into our new house.

I can remember getting a phone call from mum saying she was poorly and that she had been to a neurologist and that they thought that perhaps she had a brain tumour in a place that they couldn't operate on.

Those phone calls suck.

As much as mum said she was fine I didn't believe her for a second.
My sister and I were talking pretty much every day (my poor phone bill) and I was told how mum was worried.
Which of course worried me.

It doesn't matter how old you are, you have this inbuilt belief that your mum can make everything okay.
So when your mum isn't ok, the world seems sort of off balance and a colder place.

The diagnoses of MS was somewhat a relief. Really, in the grand scheme of things, MS vs Brain Tumour that will kill you; MS will win every time.

A lot of people have said that I bounce back quickly after bad news and that I can find the positive side to even the most negative things.
The thing is, I've suffered from depression and debilitating anxiety for almost 9 years.
So much so that I don't work anymore. Not because I don't want to, but because there are days when I just. can't. leave. the house. no. matter. how. much. I. want.

I find the positive side of things because if I don't, i'll lock myself in my house forever and i'll waste my life away.
If I don't laugh, I really will cry for the rest of my life.
It's not easy.
But for me, it's the best way to live my life.

I find so much inspiration from my mum because she has never and will never let MS take her determination away.
I cannot count the amount of times mum has said "Sass, since when have you ever done what you have been told" Funnily enough, I get her stubborn defiance from her.
Her mantra is I have MS, MS does not have me.
If she can live like that, then surely I can and the rest of us can too.

I remember meeting a woman when I was working who had MS.
She spent the entire conversation telling me how horrible it was having MS. When I told her that my mum also had MS, works a full time demanding job, looks after my brother with Aspergers (and that's a full time job right there at the moment) has a full and active social life and STILL manages to fit into her size 10 jeans (biiitch) the woman was floored.
She then told me that mum had to give up work.
It wasn't good for her.
She had to look after her health.

I laughed, recharged her phone and said a little thank you to the powers that be that my mum is awesome and not a poor me type.

Mother Lousie, Me, Oohey

Today over at We Heart Life, my mum has written a post for us telling her story.
I ask you all to go and read and tell mum how awesome she is!
Then, after you've done that, if you are able, please go and donate to Kiss MS Goodbye 2011.
We are at $200 of our $500 goal. It would be so amazing if we made it!

Today, I am rocking the red lippy for my mummy, my awesome friend janey and everyone else who has been touched with MS.

I have *not* stolen my husbands t-shirt

To read mums post go HERE
To donate to Kiss Goodbye to MS 2011 go HERE
To Tweet my mum and tell her she's awesome and has the best daughter ever go HERE

Too busy to post...

2011-05-28T21:01:00.000+10:00

This weekend we have the lovely Carly visiting!!

We've eaten too much, giggled too much and stayed up faaaaaaar too late, but it's been fabulous.

I think Moo is a little in love with her too.

I'm not jealous.

nope.

not me.

Where I snore so loud Husband thinks someone is drilling.

2011-05-27T10:06:00.000+10:00

Just when we thought that things couldn't get any worse, the other day I woke up with Torticollis.

For those not in the know of what this is, it's where your neck decides that it no longer likes looking left (or right in my case) and simply refuses to.
Even the slightest neck movement has the neck in cramp. I'm not talking a little cramp either, imagine that nasty calf cramp you sometimes get, normally in the middle of the night that has you waking up in agony screaming with pain?
yeah.
That's in. my. neck. every. two. minutes.

Dear Blog readers I was in tears. great big wailing tears with every cramp.
I couldn't get out of bed, I couldn't move and Husband had to go to work for stocktake.

My husband left me near paralysed on our bed in the most amount of pain I have ever felt in my whole life.
Combine surgery pain, broken arms, appendicitis, endo pain and x 1000000000 and I'd rather that than the neck cramps.

Not only did the neck spasms render me almost paralysed but they also turned me into a screaming crazy tourettes lady.
Every swear word I knew would come flying out of my mouth as I was hunched over, holding my neck believing that my neck was going to break in two and I was going to die.

If it wasn't for my darling best friend in the wholest widest worldest driving up from Brisbane to take me to the doctors (and laugh at my pain) I would still be on my bed screaming *shitballsmotherferohemgeeeecrycrycry*

I was promptly taken to the nurses room in the doctors office so I could wither in pain while I waited over an hour to be seen by Doctor "Pleased To Meet You"
We left with a prescription of Valium, Panadeine Forte and a neck brace.
Which I am to wear to hold my head at a normal angle (or at least try) until the torticollis has decided it's had enough of torturing me.

So, for the past couple of days I've had to wear this ugly thing around my neck and walk around in a drug induced haze.
I have refused to leave the house besides a trip to the grocery store which I regretted almost immediately and not because I dropped not one but TWO bottles of cream because I can't see where I'm going.

Not only do I have the shame of looking like a dork with the neckbrace of shame but sleeping with the brace is terrible.
It forces me into a position that I can't really move around (I guess it's doing its job) but it also forces me on my back and my neck in such a position for prime snoring.
The first night I had the brace on, I woke up every five minutes hearing the most strangest snorting sound.
That snorting sound was me.
SHAME

Yesterday, after pushing myself a little too hard and sitting at the computer for too long and moving around too much I took my little cocktail of drugs and was swept nicely away to la la land by 8.30 I was so far gone I couldn't have told you my name.

Which was when Husband thought he could hear drilling.
Getting up from the sofa in the living room he went to investigate and tell the rude bastard drilling at 9pm to shut the heck up, his wife was trying to sleep damn you....

Only to find it was me.

Happy Friday Everyone!

Sometimes, you get a ray of hope

2011-05-21T16:41:00.000+10:00

and you gotta grab hold of it and never let go.

Yesterday I was so scared.
After all the doctors appointments i've had recently I was terrified I was going to get bad news from my second opinion.
I spent the morning in bed hiding under the covers with Moo having panic attack after panic attack.
It's a miracle I got in the car.

As we were driving towards Maroochydore my palms were sweaty and I was looking for my closest exit point.
And then I heard my beautiful friend Annie on the radio.
As we drove I listened to her lovely voice and the chatter on the radio and I felt myself calm down.
Without Annie (and of course handsome husband) I would have been a wreck by the time I got to the clinic.

We waited for a pregnant lady to have her scan, she had the most beautiful little girl with long blonde curly hair. She was cute as a button and I found myself thinking that one day, maybe my little girl would have long blonde hair like I did when I was little.
And then I got a little sad and a little anxious because what if that never happens.
Will those feelings ever go away?

I'm not going to lie, I was really cross with Dr S. I felt that he didn't listen to my concerns last year about my constant bleeding and pain and that perhaps if he had listened to me I wouldn't be in this position.

After talking to him, I now realise that while it's possible there was something not quite right, the tumour wasn't there, my wall lining was fine, if it wasn't we wouldn't have been able to complete the IVF cycle.
Also, I have to take some responsibility as well. I unhappily put up with what was happening to me and I did nothing except drug up and complain. I must have been unbearable.

We discussed the options that the hospital and the specialist were giving me and we both agreed that an IUD is not something that I should go ahead with.
Instead, as I mentioned in this post, I'll go on this for three months.
I'll have a scan every month to make sure it's working and not growing.

I asked what we do if it doesn't get better.
he said that we would increase the dosage and monitor me more closely.
So, i'm transferring my care to him for now.

I am bleeding again, although the pain isn't as bad as it was, I can function, i'm not on any painkillers at the moment. Once I start on the megestrol it should stop my period completely. We will induce a bleed every month until I have the D&C to see how we are moving.

So, it's not all clear but it's not horrible news either.
I'm feeling positive and not so sad anymore.

Which is good because i'm sure if I cried anymore Moo will move out and i'll have to invest in some waterproof mascara.

I have some family on holiday up here at the moment which is nice, It's been nice to see them.
Today I took them into the Sunshine plaza to be ladies what lunch and shop. We ended the day at San Churro which made me sad because the last time I was there was with Nanny. So I guess it's now a traditional place to take my Grandmothers.
My Nanny Dot better not be leaving earth anytime soon.
I don't ever want to be nannyless ever.
Or wombless.
Why can't I get what I want all the time?

Moo is FOUR

2011-05-16T15:03:00.000+10:00

Today Moo turns FOUR!

It's the best kind of days for a puppy to turn four.

There are endless tummy scratches

Treats to snack on

And your mum shoving her camera in your face all day.

Happy Birthday Moobear.

We love you a little too much.

xoxo

I need a plaster for my heart.

2011-05-14T19:41:00.000+10:00

I wish that this wasn't happening to me.
Which is horrible because then it would be happening to someone else and I wouldn't wish this on anyone.

Thursday I had my appointment at the hospital with the specialist.
He told me
I have a 'slim to none' chance of falling pregnant.
He doesn't advice me to try and get pregnant because he doesn't want to risk my health.
Instead he wants to insert an IUD on the 24th. He wants to do this by surgery on the 24th of this month.
He wants to leave the IUD inside for 6 months. At the end of the 6 months he wants to go remove it and do another D&C and do a biopsy to see if anything is different.
If nothing has changed or it's worse I'll have a hysterectomy.

No mention of collecting my eggs now to freeze them to use for surrogacy later on down the track.

I sort of just sat there.
I felt stupid and like I wasn't being heard which was frustrating because I had such faith in this doctor.
I asked a few questions, like what are the chances of it getting better or worse and he couldn't answer because he doesn't know.
I asked if I was to get pregnant would it hurt the baby being so close to dangerous cells. He didn't answer the question, just repeated that he didn't want to risk my health and that his way was trying to preserve my fertility.
Which confused me even more because before he had said that I had no fertility.
What's the point in trying to preserve my fertility if I have none in the first place???
He then said that I need to come to terms with the fact that I will lose my womb.

I came home and cried.

I cried so hard because I feel helpless and so sad.
I cried because this isn't fair and I feel like i'm being punished for something that I must have done.
I cried because my heart is breaking.
I'm being left behind.
We are being left behind.

With infertility there is always hope.
Hope that a treatment is going to work,
Hope for a BFP
Hope for another chance
Hope that this time will be the last time.

With a hysterectomy, there is no more hope left.
That's a really hard thing to come to terms with.

So, while I was sitting on my sofa in the middle of the day feeling helpless and scared, I howled.
I cried so loud Moo came running from the other side of the house.
He crawled into my lap, put his head on my shoulder and howled with me.
I told him that I wished he was enough for me and I wished I could let this go.
For an hour I sobbed into my dog and he stayed there the whole time.

I went to bed feeling the saddest I have ever felt in my life.

Yesterday I woke up after dreaming of having a baby and bringing her home only to find she had died on the way home.
There is something...something that I can't describe that is telling me not to have the IUD.
I've read too many horrible things about it and I really feel it won't treat this, just delay the inevitable.
I called my Fertility Specialist and spoke to the nurse.
I told her everything that has happened and said that I needed to speak to the doctor before my surgery on the 24th.
She called me back within the hour. I've got an appointment on Friday with Dr S. She then said something that sort of made me feel like everything is going to be ok.
She said Dr S is adamant that I DO NOT have the IUD. She said I repeat, Dr.S says do NOT have the IUD put inside you.

We have a few options that we are going to try, there is a drug called Megestrol Acetate that is used for breast cancer but has also been used to endometrial cancers and precancers.

I've also decided that if I can't have another go at having a baby and the megestrol acetate doesn't work then it's time for me to let go and move on with my life.

So.
There you have it.

I'm ok.
Well, not really but I'm doing really well at pretending.

love love.

Sometimes it's okay to hide.

2011-05-10T16:57:00.000+10:00

We've been hiding these past couple of days.

I haven't felt like doing much but staying in bed under the warm covers.

We have also done a lot of napping.

It's possibly not that healthy, but I figure it's ok to take to my bed in times like these.

I thank you all from the bottom of my heart for your kind words and lovely support you have shown me these past couple of days.

Thursday could not come sooner.

♥

I am not alright

2011-05-05T21:55:00.000+10:00

I didn't think doctors were allowed to tell you horrible news over the phone.

I was so sure that never happened that I had convinced myself and everyone in my family that everything. was. fine.
I imagined the phone call.
It would go something like,
'how was I feeling after surgery, was I healing ok, any bleeding? No? Good. Well, everything looks fine, lets put you on clomid and see if you and husband make a baby.'

So you can imagine my surprise when the phone call didn't go the way I had planned.

The biopsy came back pre-cancerous.
I have pre-cancerous cells in my uterine lining.
My doctor is concerned because he could actually see it.

I will be 27 and have had a full hysterectomy.

I don't know where to go from here.

It's all so horribly unfair.

I don't want you to tell me that everything is going to be ok.
I don't want you to tell me that it's not the end of the world
because to me,
this is the end of my world.
for now.

I'll move on from here, I know that. When? I'm not sure.
But this ~~was~~ is my worst nightmare.

For now I rage.
I rage against my body, God and that asshole Dr S who had me in his office no less than THREE times last year telling him that SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH ME! only for him to ignore me, blame it on my weight and try and put me on the fucking pill.
I feel like I could cry and cry and cry and never ever stop.

This day, has been the most unfunniest day ever.

I'd like a refund.

I have an appointment with the specialist next week and I will know more then.
I will update as soon as I know what comes next.

I wasn't going to blog this. I was going to process this and then write about it later when I know more, but I've changed my mind. If someone who is going through the same thing that I am now finds this and finds some comfort in this awful situation, then I'm glad and I have served my purpose.

But I don't want to go on Jerry Springer

2011-04-29T23:27:00.000+10:00

In a couple of weeks, my family are coming up from Canberra to have a little holiday in sunny (when it stops raining) Queensland.
My mums sister and my Poppy (mums dad) are coming up with my dads sister and my Nanny (dads mum)

As I was pondering where we should go for dinner while they were here and if I could perhaps persuade them to take me to the Zoo, a thought dawned on me.

My parents are divorced and have been for a very long time, however both sets of grandparents remained very good friends long after my parents decided that they didn't like each other very much at all.
My Nanny Dot was mentioned in my Nanny's eulogy as her best friend and I have very fond memories of both my Poppys having a beer together.

What was to happen if, while on their holiday here, my Nanny Dot and Poppy C decided that they liked each other a little too much and got married*?

That would mean that my mum and dad would be step brother and sister...
and my dad would be my uncle.
and my mum my aunt.

And then I felt the urge to go wear a straw hat and play the banjo.

*This is not likely to happen. It's just my brain turning into mush from spending waaaay to long in my pyjamas and watching the complete series of Roseanne.

I am alive

2011-04-22T15:56:00.000+10:00

Just!
:P

I've spent the last couple of days feeling very sore and sorry for myself!

Apart from not being able to breathe when I got out of surgery and having to stay in recovery for over five hours because I was so unwell after, I'm doing ok.

They removed the tumour, had a good look around, the dye test for my tubes came back clear, my ovaries are fine and then they cleaned me out.
My lining was 3 cm thick which is not good but at this moment in time, i'm trying not to focus on that.

Dr Awesome is just that.
He's so awesome and so lovely. I was so nervous before (my heart rate was over 150bpm) and he tried his hardest to get me to calm down.

I will get results back in the next 6 days so now it's the waiting game while I get back on my feet.

Husband is amazing and I am so very lucky to have him.
Moobear knows something is not right with his mummy, so he's been staying close to me, sniffing my bruises (from the nurses trying to get blood from me- seriously, you should see my arms, they are black and blue) and leaning on me when he can.

So for now, i'm enjoying having my boys close to me, all the seasons of Roseanne on DVD and good drugs.

Have a happy and safe easter all,

Be back soon.

xoxo

ascared

2011-04-18T20:17:00.000+10:00

Tomorrow is surgery day.

Excuse me while I go and hide under my bed.

All those prayers, well wishes and good thoughts that I told you to hold on to would be much appreciated.

To say thanks in advance, I drew you a picture.

Happy Moments

2011-04-17T18:32:00.000+10:00

{image}

It's been a bit of a hectic week here in the bee house.
I had to go have some more tests done before surgery which is lame. My veins are terrible (i'd make a useless junkie) and it took the lady over half an hour to get blood from me, until she gave up and got another lady to come and help. They took blood from my hand...was most painful.
So quickly, my happy moments for this week are...

1. Finally getting my birthday present (only 4 months late) it's a beautiful big london blue topaz ring with diamonds. It's amazing and I'm in love with it.
2. I launched moozoo designs. It's first day of going live and there were over 100 page views. This is awesome.
3. Snuggly new ugg boots to keep my footsies warm.
4. Breaking out the slow cooker. I know it's incredibly 80's but nothing says comfort food like it.
5. Spending the day with my husband watching movies and snuggling. Was the best.

What are your happy moments for this week?
I'd love for you to tell us over at we heart life.

The day I realised customer service was dangerous.

2011-04-16T01:19:00.001+10:00

A couple of years ago, I worked for Vodafone.
As did my husband and up until fairly recently so did my best friend.

I started working there back in 2004 and worked on and off with them until we moved up to the sunshine coast.

When we first moved to Brisbane, both Husband and I took jobs working for the company.

Although I HATED the job, the pay was really really good and the store I was working in was one of the quieter stores. This of course appealed to me as it meant that I could sit on my ever expanding arse and drink coffee and gossip all day.

To say that the customers that came into our store got the worst service from the staff members in that particular store would be an understatement.
The manager was racist and lazy and spent half her time sitting out the back eating chips and gravy or leaving early to be with her weirdo husband.

It didn't help that the store was in one of the most bogan areas of north brisbane. It would be a very rare customer that would enter the store with shoes on AND a full head of teeth.
Classy it was not.

We had our regular customers that would come in weekly for their top ups, or the feral that didn't own a phone charger so while they were doing their daily alcohol run they would ask us nicely (demand and breathe in our faces until we agreed) to charge their phone for them.
We had the scammers that would try and commit fraud and the generally crazy customers that made us glad for the counter barrier.

I had served one guy, who although didn't have ONE tooth in his mouth, he wore shoes and was one of my favourite customers.
He came in every two weeks and would only buy his credit from me. (thanks dude, I really appreciated the commission on that)
He would ask sweetly if I could put the credit on his phone and I did...not just because it was my job but because if I did it, I knew he wouldn't hang around for too long trying to chat me up.
And then things started getting creepy.
He'd spent the night in the lock up for getting into a fight with his brother.
(be still my beating heart)
and his phone had been smashed in the fight.
I sold him our cheapest phone and sent him on his way.
The next day he came in to show me he'd learnt to put photos on his phone.
(yay for you guy!)
And the day after that, he came in for a lesson on how to send a text message.
His visits were daily and I had decided that I was going to have to fire him from being my favourite customer and promote the Italian man who didn't speak any english.

I would notice him when I was waiting for my bus. He would ride past a couple of times and wave and yell hi.
He came into the store to compliment me on my new hair colour, but really, he preferred me when I had blonde hair.
(you and everyone else mate)
And then shit got freaky with a capital F.
Dude came into the store one sunny saturday afternoon to buy some credit.
I was being polite and partaking in some general banter with him while I was putting the credit on his phone.
He mentioned to me that he'd been busy making things in his dads shed.
I asked what he was making and he told me it was a surprise and i'd have to wait to see.
*insert sick feeling in my stomach*
I said 'Oh' and flashed around my wedding finger.
He left the store and I considered transferring there and then if it wasn't for the couch and the endless supply of coffee.

10 minutes later dude comes back.
With a freaking COW SKULL.
Not only was this a cow skull but he'd GLUED some antlers to not only the side of the skull but also the front so it sort of looked like he was offering me the devils skull.
Upon closer inspection (because really, he'd backed me in a corner and I couldn't look anywhere else) I found that he'd stuck some sharks teeth to the jaw of the cow skull.
He'd painstakingly varnished the whole thing too so it was ultra shiny for that new devil skull of evilness look that he was going for.

It was about the time he was trying to offer this thing to me that the manager (who'd been watching the whole exchange) fled the store.
Hoping that she was off to get the police beat, I was now alone with this "artist" in the deserted store.

I can't even describe to you the look of disappointment he gave me when I told him that I couldn't take his very kind offer.

After some convincing, he left the store with the devil skull of evilness, jumped on his bike and took off into the sunset leaving me to wonder why he couldn't have just bought me a box of chocolates.

I never saw him again but he's haunted me to this day.
I blame him for my poor customer service skills as I'm terrified if I give you the "Sass Factor" you'll become my stalker and offer me bits of animal you may or may not have killed.

This is slightly worrying as today, I launched MooZoo Designs.
I am forced into giving you the greatest customer service you've ever encountered because i'm no longer representing a multi billion dollar company and the largest telecommunications company in the world, but i'm representing something much more important...me.

I would be ever so grateful for you to go and have a look, i'm feeling very smart and proud of myself.

I'm also offering every one of my pre-made blogger templates for FREE until Sunday.
So, go there.
Go there now, but please- for the love of little baby Jesus do not offer any gifts unless it's chocolate.

www.moozoodesigns.com

blo-jo and poop

2011-04-11T11:17:00.000+10:00

that's blog-jo not what you're thinking you dirty minded person you.

I've lost it.

my Blo-jo that is.

I'm also aware that i'm breaking the rules and I'm writing about my blo-jo or lack of it.

I've been trying to keep busy, it's almost a week until my surgery and I really don't want to think about it, so being busy is what I will do.

I've been working on some AWESOME things...

like this little sneak peak

and also this...

When I haven't been glued to my computer having five hour long skype chats with Carly, the husband and I have been house hunting...

if someone could please explain why the new in thing to do is NOT build a door to an ensuite I would be much grateful...

I would probably be ok if there wasn't a toilet in the ensuite, but they all do...

now, don't get me wrong, I'm pretty open with my husband and my body...

we have been married for a long time and he's been to pretty much every fertility appointment i've had; but I won't ever poo with him in the same room as me.

it's just...

weird.

I can just imagine it, waking Husband up in the middle of the night, so he can leave the room so I can do a poo.

No thank you.

IF we find a house that is lacking an ensuite door i'll be pretty much forbidding any pooping action in there forever and ever.

Clearly these builders/architects are men.

I'm sure a woman wouldn't forget to plan a DOOR into her plans....

Dear Husband

2011-04-08T01:44:00.000+10:00

Dear Husband.

my two most favourite boys in the world. ever.

You know how much you love sultana bran?

I love you a million trillion bazillion times more.

You know how you were 40 and now you are 41?

ha ha ha ha

(sorry)

You know how it's your Birthday today?

I'm wishing you the most happiest birthdays ever.

I love you.

♥

working bee

2011-03-29T02:11:00.000+10:00

I've been a busy bee these past couple of days over at blogs by sass.

I've been working on a very sweet bloggers blog AND working my fingers to the bone (ok, not really) revamping blogs by sass and also revealing some new (and awesome) pre made designs like this one...

(it's my favourite)

Seriously.
Could that get any cuter?
I didn't think so.

Happy Moments

2011-03-27T10:48:00.000+10:00

The weather is so awesome today.
It's windy and COOL!
It's been so hot and humid up here recently, the kind where you sweat in the shower.

The humidity is quite low today and the wind is ripping through the house and the million loads of washing that i'm doing today.

My happy moments this week are

1. Going to see Wicked. It was awesome. If you can get to see it, you simply must.
2. So far, I've de-cluttered our bedroom, the kitchen and one of our spare rooms.
All that is left is little bits and pieces to do (like the buffet cabnet...it's like a black hole for stuff)
3. Blogs by Sass is getting busy! It's very exciting.
4. I made the most delicious veggie spaghetti bolognaise ever. I also made so much that we'll be eating it for the rest of the year.
5. Pretty new nail polish colours.

What are your happy moments this week?
I demand you go over to we heart life and tell us!

Defying Gravity

2011-03-25T11:07:00.000+10:00

Husband took me on a date yesterday.
A very very late valentines day date.

We had front row seats and in my opinion, the best seats in the house.

It was fabulous and if the show wasn't sold out in Brisbane now, I'd tell you all to go...

The shoes...ohh the shoes were divine. I wanted to steal every single one of them!

After, we went into the city for some dinner and some drinks with the Lady Bird.
It was so nice to see her, I have missed her since she moved out.

I have a new surgery date for April 19th. It seems so far away but really, I know it's not.

As we are moving at the beginning of May, I need to make sure that I have most things ready to pack and move without killing me after the surgery.
For the past couple of days i've been going though everything and getting rid of lots of things that we don't need/want anymore.
It's utterly boring and at times down right confusing. What in the world ever possessed me to buy 6 packets of bamboo skewers is beyond me or even why my husband feels we need to keep every single envelope ever sent to us is one of those mysteries of the third drawer kind.

*sigh*

Happy Moments

2011-03-20T13:33:00.000+10:00

The Bee household is back to the three of us, just Moo, Husband and Princess Sass.

After having a busy day moving Lady Bird and then a trip into the city for some Japanese Curry and a quick catch up with the bestie I'm feeling a little sore and sorry for myself today.

I have declared today pajama day.
We plan on watching some movies, I want to finish my knitting and if my mum is really lucky, I'll remember to call her this evening.

I'm back on the healthy eating thing from tomorrow. I wish that healthy food tasted as good as chippies.

My happy moments this week are...

1. My date with Husband to Ikea.
I swear, Lex wins Husband of the Year award. He let me look, touch, sit and swoon over everything and even better, he let me put things in the shopping cart!
2. I am slowly (because that's as fast as I can go at the moment) getting the house ready to move.
I'm doing a room a week and de-cluttering everything. I want the moving process as easy and fast as possible.
3. The weather has been so lovely this weekend. It's been cool and rainy. My favourite kind of days.
4. Finding Dr Awesome. I'm still feeling good about the surgery (hopefully in the next week)
5. Watching moobear play (and destroy in minutes) with his new toy. It had four squeakers in it. The look of confusion when it was still squeaking long after he ripped the first one out was hilarious.

Join us over at we heart life and share your happy moments with us.
I would love to know what they are.

Friday I'm in love.

2011-03-18T11:39:00.004+10:00

Can you believe I've had this picture in my "pictures for the blog" folder for like a million years and it's only now that i've remembered it and thought "Ahhh how appropriate "

Anyway.
It is Friday.
And I am in love.
Good thing really.

Things are changing in the Bee household.
Lady Bird is moving on out.
We got sick of her and demanded she leave immediately.
Just joking.
We love her and are very sad that she is ~~abandoning~~ leaving us to start a new adventure living in the City, making new friends and exploring.
We will of course still see each other all the time if only so Moo can get his fix of his 'Merra'
He loves her you see.
Almost as much as he loves his mummy.

The other change is that our lease is almost up here.
The house is for sale and quite frankly, I don't want to live here anymore.
I'm in the process of ~~telling~~ discussing the move down to Brisbane.
To say that I am excited is to say the pope is catholic AND old.

I'm looking forward to being closer to my friends, the city, IKEA, a westfield shopping centre, but really, what i'm most looking forward to is seeing husband more.
You see, he has worked in the the CBD for this past year. We of course live on the Sunshine Coast.
That means that Lex is driving up to four hours a day getting to and from work.
He leaves while i'm still ~~snoring~~ sleeping like a princess, before the sun is up and he gets home long after the sun has set, giving him enough time to have dinner, argue with me over the xbox or what movie he'll sleep through and go to bed.
This leaves about 10 minutes for us to just be us.
To snuggle and chat and laugh and spend time with each other.
and argue about how much the telephone bill is or how I'm always right and he's always wrong.
I'm looking forward to him leaving for work at a normal time, for him to have breakfast with me and for us to eat at a normal dinner time time. Especially as he's moving stores to the northern 'burbs, so it's like he'll be working right around the corner from our house
* insert girly squeeing and jumping up and down*
I'm looking forward to just spending time with my stinky husband.

Enough of the sap.

I told you I was in love.

(you can all go throw up now)

*you can all thank me for getting this song in your head.

you're welcome.

Correction.

2011-03-17T20:39:00.000+10:00

No relevance.
Husband drew this for me this morning and I thought it was cute

No surgery today.

We arrived at the hospital early.
I was nervous and wanted to run away.
Husband was mean and made me stay.

I filled in forms and waited around watching The Today Show (I prefer Sunrise) and was subjected to watching a story about "Womb Tube" where people post their videos on them finding out they are pregnant on the internet, some even before their partner has found out.

*sigh*

Anyway.

The Gyno came through and took us into his office, where he wrote pages and pages of my information down.
He asked every question you could think of, and then, he asked me what I thought.
Since I was 16 and started having issues with my lady parts NEVER has a doctor listened to me the way Dr L (from this moment on he will be called Dr Awesome) did today.
He wanted to know why all the other fertility doctors (and there have been many) haven't listened to me before.
He expressed his disappointment that others haven't tried other options and instead going for the big guns like IVF and of course, the big bucks. Our last IVF cycle cost $10,000.
The fact that before and after our last IVF cycle I went to Dr S and explained that I was still bleeding on the pill after THREE MONTHS and I'm not talking break through bleeding, I'm talking about "Oh my God, I think someone has stabbed me in the taco" bleeding and HE DID NOTHING.

Right now, I'm scared and I'm angry.
I'm angry that no other doctor has given me the time to listen to my concerns and now that it comes to me having a freaking tumour that they finally do something.
Actually, if it wasn't for my wonderful GP i'd have been sent on my merry way again and told to lose weight and perhaps that might stop the bleeding.

Anyway, I'm rambling.

Dr Awesome is just that.
He's awesome.
He used to be a nurse so he has the compassion that all the other doctors I have encountered are sadly lacking.
I'm very grateful that I have found him and that he will be taking care of me from now on.

It was funny, we went from thinking that I was going to have the surgery one minute, to thinking that I wasn't so my nerves would go away and then being handed a note to go meet the anesthetist which had me thinking that I was going for surgery this morning and feeling my tummy drop and the nerves and panic settling in.
Needless to say, I'm feeling a little ill and feeling like I have a panic attack hangover after all the to-ing and fro-ing.

So, I'm still on the waiting list for the surgery.

I will be having the full menu, laparoscopy, hysteroscopy, a hysterosalpingogram (HSG) and of course a couple of biopsies on the tumour itself and around my uterus.

I'll also have a pap smear thrown in for free. How lucky am I!

I've been cleared for surgery by the anesthetist, so now i'm waiting for the phone call (again)

After surgery and a sex ban for four weeks (poor husband) we are going to have a couple cycles with clomid. (poor poor husband)

It is at this time that I will pray daily to the fertility gods, offer the soul of our soon to be first born to the highest bidder and spend all our money going to that guy that you look into his eyes and you instantly become pregnant.

Or something like that.

That is, if there is no cancer.
But we aren't thinking about that.
Well, I am, but I think i'm doing enough worrying about for all of us.

I'm sorry that I had you all pray and send lovely thoughts for nothing...
hold on to them for now.
Will need them again soon.

♥

Surgery

2011-03-17T06:42:00.000+10:00

This morning I have surgery.

To say that I am nervous is the understatement of the history.

Husband has taken the rest of the week off work which is nice.

So, well wishes, prayers, thoughts and fingers crossed for me will be much appreciated.
I am having my procedure done at Nambour hospital...if you are Australian and live in Queensland you will understand why i'm so nervous! haha
So, if I die, you can all have my barbies and my unicorn.

love love.

xo

Happy Moments

2011-03-13T18:24:00.000+10:00

this photo has no relevance. I just think it's awesome.

I've been walking around in a fog of "I just fell in love with my husband all over again" this week.

It's funny what a week away from your partner does to you.

I was telling Lady Bird that when I see Lex for the first time after not seeing him for a couple of days, I see him as a stranger sees him.

His blue blue eyes, his kissable lips, his broad shoulders and chest, the way he walks...

*sigh*

I just lubb him.

Anyway, now that I've made you all sick, or worse, now you all fancy my husband (back off ladies, he's mine. I have my name on him, so there)

This week my happy moments are

Spending time with my little mummy, my poppy and my aunts. Although the visit wasn't for the best reasons, we had fun and some good laughs and lots of chatting about the Nanny.

I found one of her diaries and felt like a snoop as I read through her year of 2002. We went through her jewellery and found probably a million strings of pearls.

She also kept everything in little bags all over her bedroom. It was cute and annoying at the same time.

Flying home to see my boys and 'my merra' Lady Bird.

I missed them terribly while I was away, and although I was cross with them when they came to get me at the airport (they were at the pub having a drink killing time before my flight got in) I was very glad to see them.

Spending two uninterrupted days with my handsome husband.

We did nothing exciting but food shopping, but we spent our time on the sofa watching movies and Star Gate Universe ~~I am not admitting here that it's really really good and that I love it.~~

I've picked up my knitting again. I was sure that I had forgotten how to do it, but seems my fingers remember how to do it.

Am currently knitting the longest widest scarf ever to be seen.

Today my very best friend came to see me with the divine Miss Woo.

It was so nice to sit and just chat about anything and everything.

I miss her terribly. I'm looking forward to moving closer to her so I can see her all the time instead of a couple of hours every few months.

What are your Happy Moments for this week?

I would love to know.

2011-03-12T14:45:00.000+10:00

oh.em.gee how freaking cute is this puppy. I mean seriously. *dies*

Dear Husband.

See this puppy?

It wants to become a part of our family.

Make it happen or Moo and I will run away.

Far far away.

Like, so far away that you will have to cook your own dinner and cuddle yourself.

That's how far away we will run.

We'll also take the xbox too.

Only to sell it though, to keep me in chocolate milk and Moo in moofood.

Love

Wife.

Thank you

2011-02-26T13:06:00.000+10:00

link

While I take a break from complaining that "it huuurrrrrrtttts" I thought that I should thank you all.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your kind messages, emails, txts, tweets and phone calls.

It's very lonely at 2am in the morning when everyone is sleeping and horrible thoughts are racing through my mind.
Like, how will I cope if I have to have a hysterectomy?

My instant thought is that I will simply fall and never get up again.

On the other hand, I know realistically, it will be hard, but I will be ok.

I'm in so much pain right now that there are times when I think that perhaps this is for the best, to have it all taken out anyway and move on with the next chapter of our lives with fostering, perhaps adoption -I had a lot of giggles with ML about adopting a chinese baby and when people ask if we adopted, I would look at them funny and tell them that Lex is chinese too...

But then it all comes crashing down again. Reading how close a lot of my beautiful blog readers are so close to having their baby, beautiful bump shots, IRL friends who are about to pop at any moment and of course, my sister is about to have another round of IVF; it just makes me want one of my own.

It's hard to describe to someone who has never struggled with their fertility the feeling of hopelessness and the anger at your failed body that you feel at times.

I've spent the last couple of days in bed, drugged up to my eyeballs.
My bedside table is now filled with pills and has me freaking out thinking 'fuck, i've turned into my grandmother'
The painkillers aren't really working, but they are making it easy to just not care that i'm in pain and at times, I almost forget what it is that has me so darn scared and sad.

Moo loves a day in bed, so he's in heaven that his mummy has decided to take to her bed for days, he's made himself comfortable on the pillows and can be found napping, snoozing, snoring and then perhaps some puppy dreaming throughout the day (complete with puppy barks and twitching feet as if he's running with the wind in his hair)...that is when he's not trying to steal my pants from the laundry basket.

It's not been all bad, I've watched Roseanne and Sabrina the Teenage Witch to my hearts content, Diagnosis Murder is the highlight of my day and The Princess Bride is on DVD at least once a day (I plan on being able to recite the whole movie by the end of this) and last night, whilst high as a kite on tramadol I took to my fringe with scissors and trimmed it into heavy bangs of awesomeness. -I may still be under the influence however I am convinced they look awesome and just as good as if the hairdresser did them herself.

Monday I am off to collect my mummy from Sydney airport and then fly with her to Canberra, where we will spend the time hanging out with my poppy and my aunts. I'll fly home in a week, hopefully to surgery.
I'm a little worried about flying, currently, I'm in so much pain that walking from my bedroom to the kitchen is enough to make me want to sob, I'm really hoping that the tranexamic acid will start to work soon, if not, look out for me high on painkillers wondering aimlessly around sydney airport crying for my mummy (i'll be wearing black) and I'm a little snappy...
ok, so if you look at me funny, it's likely that i'll rip your face off with my bare hands, but I think I can be forgiven.
Husband has copped it a couple of times, and I am sorry.

Husband is a good boy and he loves me much, even when I yell at him for not noticing that i've hacked at my hair.

I'll be taking the laptop down with me, so I'll still be here and tweeting away and also still working over at We Heart Life and of course, i'm still making over your blogs at Blogs by Sass (how awesome is my shameless self promotion? You didn't even notice did you? :P ) Perhaps i'll even find time for some uni work while I'm down there too...or at least attempt to at least read a chapter or two from my textbooks....

Again,
Thank you for your thoughts, prayers and well wishes, and as an extra bonus, for making it through this epic long ramble, here is a unicorn.

♥

This is unfair.

2011-02-24T20:03:00.000+10:00

I have a growth in my uterus.
It's at the top and the shape of a dumbbell.
I can't say how big it is because my wall lining is currently 2cm after bleeding for almost three months now and it's attached to the lining.

We don't know if it's cancer.

I am on the waiting list to have it removed by hysteroscopy. I will possibly have a laparoscopy also.
Because they don't know what it is, i'm on the emergency list, so hopefully in two-three weeks we will know exactly what it is.

I'm really really really hoping it's benign.

If it's precancerous I think I will have one last all guns blazing IVF and then a hysterectomy.

If it's cancer I will have a hysterectomy.

To be honest, I've been a mess these past couple of days.

I am scared.

I know that there is no use in worrying about something that I can't change, but I am.
It's easy to tell me not to worry
and to not google
and to be positive.
But as an infertile woman, I can tell you this is my worst nightmare.

THIS IS MY WORST NIGHTMARE.

I would rather anything than this.

I want my own children.
I want to be pregnant.
I want to have morning sickness, stretch marks and a natural childbirth.
I want to feel my baby growing inside of me.

I don't want another woman to carry my child.

I don't want a hysterectomy at age 26.

It just all seems very unfair.

I'm in a lot of pain and I haven't been sleeping very well.
I was on progesterone to stop the bleeding but it wasn't helping so the specialist took me off them.
I'm now on trexenamic acid that will hopefully stop AF and I can at least function like a normal person.

So, for now, we wait.

I see my mum and the rest of the family next week.
For that, i'm really glad.

x

The Moo Bear

2011-02-23T14:22:00.001+10:00

I can make Moo yawn on demand by scratching the side of his nose.

It's hilarious and adorable.

♥

I'm linking up with Carlys Shake it like a polaroid Wednesday.

Join in HERE.

Go on...you know you want to...

Happy Moments

2011-02-20T18:30:00.001+10:00

This week I had to face up to the fact that I am not well.
like really not well.

Hate it when that happens.

I'm back to the doctors on tomorrow (Monday) and hopefully I will have some idea in what is going on and how to fix me.

So for now, my Happy Moments for this week.

1. For Valentines Day husband bought us tickets to see Wicked in March. I cannot even being to tell you how excited I am about this.

2. Husband bringing home a brand new turquoise hot water bottle. That small act has made this past week more bearable.

3. Lady Bird has been home all weekend. I miss her when she is at stupid dumb work. Silly Moo doesn't talk back and all he does is fart and sleep all day.

4. Epic long conversations with Carly she's awesome. I'm going to force her to move to Brisbane to save the phone bill!

5. Chatting to the Mother Louise this morning. I get to see her in just over a week!

What are your happy moments this week?Pop over to We Heart Life and let us know.

Shameless self promotion

2011-02-15T22:51:00.000+10:00

I've been a busy bee recently...
For those that are reading in your google reader, come on over and have a look at my new pretty blog.

And while you are at it, go and have a look at Blogs by Sass which also got a makeover.
After you've finishing oohing and ahhhing I think you should run over to Veggie Mama to see her pretty new custom blog makeover and tell her what a wonderful job I did.

While you are at it, also say hi to Our Unique Journey and Braving IVF who also are now kindly sporting two of my pre-made blog makeovers.

And after, take a good hard look at your own blog and then decide that you want me to do a makeover on it.
Because you know, I'm pretty awesome (and vain) and someone needs to shut me up.

If you get in quick before the 23rd February if you tell me you've come from life of the bees, i'll give you your custom blog makeover for only $30. That's $10 off the normal price! Clearly I have lost my mind.

So...what are you waiting for?
GO NOW!

Be mine

2011-02-14T11:52:00.000+10:00

Dear Husband.

♥

I think you are really handsome.

♥

I'll be your best friend

and

make you cakes

and

iron your shirts

and

watch stupid dumb man movies with you

and

let you drink the last of the coke

and

~~laugh at your conspiracy theories~~

laugh at your dad jokes

and

kiss you till my mouth is numb

and

~~make fun of your singing~~

let you beat me at tetris

and

snuggle you till you ~~die~~ don't want to be snuggled anymore.

♥

forever

Happy Moments

2011-02-13T09:30:00.000+10:00

My happy moments for this week are:

Snuggles with Moo.

He's been so snuggly and cuddly this week as he knows that i'm not feeling that great at all.

Nothing says "I love you" more than a wet nose in my face in the morning.

Helping out at We Heart Life.

If you haven't been over to the site yet, Go there NOW! (actually, wait until this post, then you may go)

Husband, Lady Bird and I went out to dinner at Sizzlers.

Classy it is not BUT the cheese toast is to die for and the re-fills of Creaming soda is enough to put me in a diabetic coma of joy. ~~or a real diabetic coma but whateve~~r

Husband letting me spend time in Kikki.K for a new diary and a desk planner.

Normally he spends his time in there with the air of an impatient husband (I can really spend my life in there) however this time he let me touch and look and gush "OhEmGeeLookAtTHISisn'tItToDIEFOR?"

Bleaching all my white bed linen to clean crispy whiteness.

To me, there is nothing better in this world (other than husband, Moo and chocolate milk) than clean white 1000 thread bed linen. Nothing.

What are your happy moments for this week?

Go over to We Heart Life and join in!

Psssst...

2011-02-11T05:29:00.000+10:00

I'm not here today...

I'm over at We Heart Life.

Go and say hello so I don't feel lonely...

2 Happy Birthday 2 Yous

2011-02-09T16:30:00.001+10:00

Dear Mother Louise.

Happy Birthday to you

You smell like poo

Happy Birthday to Mummy

Happy Birthday to you.

This was taken on one of the days that I was leaving England to come back here.

Leaving you has always been the hardest.

I have a confession.

When we decided to move to Australia, I don't think you really believed that I was going until the night that we said goodbye.

I actually howled all the way home I didn't want to leave you.

Although I'd done the moving out of home, getting a job, getting married and all that grown up stuff, I was always around the corner from you.

Thursday night ER night was the highlight of my week.

It meant that I had a real excuse to see you, and not a sooky "I'm missing my mummy and I need to watch her iron" moment.

If it wasn't for Nanny, I wouldn't have got on the plane.

I sat on the phone to her for two hours crying because I didn't want to go anymore.

I always cry the first 9 hours of the flight home, and when I get home.

I hate talking to you at Christmas because the whole time i'm doing that silent crying thing and pretending that i'm not being the biggest cry baby in the world.

I don't miss England.

I miss you.

Happy Birthday Mummy Darling Pumpkin Head.

See you soon.

Love,

Daughter Sarah.

xoxo

♥

Dear Oohey.

Stop getting old.

I mean it.

Because if you are old, that means I am old and that is simply impossible.

Do you remember when we were kids we had those bunkbeds?

I was playing with my Barbies with our cousin and you were on the top bunk playing school with your soft toy Tigers.

I said something mean to you (you probably deserved it) and you lent over the bunk and SPAT on my head!

I still hate you for that.

Sometimes, I miss you so much that my heart actually aches.

It feels like it's got a crack in it or something and needs a bandaid.

I have this photo framed and every time I walk past it I think of you.

Sometimes it's a funny memory, like the time you fell out of Nishas dads car and got your foot stuck in the seatbelt.

I cried for days it was so funny.

Or sad times, like you getting all insecure and self conscious.

Truth is Oohey, you are more beautiful than both J and me put together.

Inside AND out.

I wish that you could see how gorgeous you actually are.

Don't be sad that Mummy loves me more...

You're the middle child.

It's normal.

Happy Birthday Oohey

Miss you much.

Sass

xoxo

Husband

2011-02-08T22:42:00.001+10:00

Dear husband.

It's been months since you've taken me to worship.

Ikea that is.

Today, whilst looking through porn

(the ikea kind, not the rude kind thankyouverymuch)

I found many many things that I simply must see for myself.

I really must have a $1 hotdog and I need to pretend that the display rooms are my house.

Please.

I'm begging you.

Take me to Ikea

And i'll love you until the end of days

(2012 according to you)

Love forever and ever.

Wife.

(your one true love)

Happy Moments

2011-02-06T21:44:00.001+10:00

{Image}

This week we have had a few happy moments in the Bee household.

1. Lady Bird got a job!
This is awesomeness of epic proportion.
Though I will miss her lots when she is working in the big smoke with the husband.
Secretly I'm sorta glad that I get Moobear to myself.

2. Husband got the weekend off.
He's so handsome. *sigh*

3. My ML booked her plane tickets and will be in Australia in 21 days.
Although it will be sad to see her as it's the first time she's visiting since Nanny died, i'm looking forward to a mummy squeeze and getting her to do help with my uni work.

4. It's been HOT HOT HOT here this weekend. Husband and I spent the afternoon in the pool and sunning ourselves as a reward for cleaning out the garage and doing some gardening.

5. Lady Bird and I had a girly night on Friday. We ordered pizza and chocolate lava cake (be still my beating heart) turned the lights off, put candles on and watched some chick flicks.
Was a great night spent with my bestie.

What are your Happy Moments this week?
Join in over at We Heart Life and tell us what your happy moments are.

We Heart Life and stuff

2011-02-05T17:53:00.000+10:00

If you haven't been to this site you are seriously missing out!

For the next couple of weeks I am helping my friend Carly out by running the site for her while she has a little break.

So...

What are you all waiting for?

Go there!
Go there now and follow one of the most awesome and inspiring sites you will see in your lifetime.

A break.

2011-02-05T00:20:00.000+10:00

Today I spoke to our IVF nurse.

She wanted to book us in for an appointment to plan treatment in the next month.

I took a deep breath and told her that we were going to put a hold on any IVF plans for now.

How my heart ached.

There is one thing that infertility has taught is is patience.

It seems our infertile lives are taken up with timing and waiting.

Waiting for CD1

Waiting for shots

Waiting for follicles

Waiting for fertilization reports

Waiting for transfers

Waiting for blood tests

Waiting for results

Waiting for heartbreak

Waiting waiting waiting

and then back to square one again.

It's a horrible roundabout.

I gave her a plan before I hung up.
Said I will stay on the pill, stay on metformin (even though I feel like it's trying to kill me) and I will continue losing weight.
The reality is that we simply cannot afford it until the end of the year. If we are lucky.

I wish there was a happy ending.

I wish I could do one of those silly posts with Moo sitting on the grass with a sign saying Big Brother.
Or a picture of a positive pregnancy test.
Or even just those three letters.
BFP

I fear it will never happen.

Add that to having an attack on my opinions and personality today I am feeling very tired today.

I want to get off now please.

I want to be normal.
Or at least find $6000.

For the shame of it.

2011-01-30T18:19:00.000+10:00

I've broken my fashion 'don't even go there' rule.

Thats right dear sweet favourite readers...I've done it.

I purchased a pair of poo catchers.
Harem pants.
Hammer time pants.

Actually I lie.

I bought three pairs.

Because they are so amazingly comfortable.

Like, I put them on and walk out of the house and I can't quite believe that I'm not in my jammies kinda comfort.

I'm ashamed of myself.

I wear them around the house, with one of husbands t'shirts and no bra (i'm very attractive don't you know)

I wear them to the shops with thongs and a tank top (bra optional)

I wear them to the club for drinks on the balcony with sparkly sandals (bra necessary)

Hell, I'd wear them in bed if
1. I didn't want to wear them tomorrow
2. It wasn't so damn hot

I am aware that my bum may look twice the size (think elephant bum x 100000)
and that they perhaps stunt my growth - not hard at all seeing as I come from the family of pigmies.
I am also aware that I look like i'm wearing a saggy nappy
and I really don't care that husband breaks into "can't stop this" and does the running man when I walk past him.

Whatever internet people.

I love them.

You can't touch this.

Straya Day

2011-01-27T16:33:00.000+10:00

You could not move from the amount of people at the beach yesterday.

Too bad that I wasn't one of those on the beach...though i'm sure Greenpeace would have been called if I had decided to grace the beach with my bikini clad rolls of fat.
How very unattractive.

Instead we walked around in the hot blazing sun,
Sought refuge in the Mooloolaba surf club...
Overheard a transvestite in a wheelchair screaming at her/his? partner
BBQ'd up a storm
(I make the best BBQ ever in the world)
swam in the pool
went back to the club for some drinks by the beach
and then got kicked out of the club
Not for fighting or anything horrible
but because Lady Bird had on rubber soled flip flops.

How unAustralian.

tap tap

2011-01-22T23:52:00.000+10:00

Is this thing on?

It feels like forever since I've posted.

This is my dad

He's pretty funny.
And a proper fix it dad.
Since he got here on Monday he's fixed my pool light, managed to work out how to remove the water filter that needed changing (hello black water ewww) cleaned the BBQ that Lex has neglected and helped me make an under cover washing line under the patio.

He also does back flips into the pool that has my heart racing because i'm just sure he's going to kill himself.

I won't show you any pictures of that on here
because
1. if there is any photographic evidence to show that he DID do more than one backflip into the pool i'm sure Ma would kill him.
2. She might kill me for letting him.
3. I'm sure my daddy dearest would not like me putting a picture of him in his swimming shorts.

I'm a good daughter like that.

He also looks like my pop.
My pop died a couple of years ago so it's strange seeing my dad walking in front of me and seeing my pop.
It's like seeing a ghost.

Talking of my pop, he was a plumber don'tcha know.
Two nights ago I was channelling him.
Our toilet has been running for days and I was sure I was going to have to call a plumber out to fix it.
Taking actions into my own hands (and Lady Birds) we stood over the toilet and worked our magic on it.
After i'm sure a bazillion litres of water and lots of swear words the toilet is fixed.
My pop would be proud.
And now I'm thinking that I would be a fabulous plumber.
As long as I didn't have to work with poo.

That would not be fabulous.

Blogs by Sass

2011-01-17T17:22:00.002+10:00

www.blogsbysass.com

Dear blog readers.

Want to make my day?

Please enter my giveaway so I don't feel so scared

that this isn't going to work....

Love always

Sass

Introducing

2011-01-17T00:04:00.000+10:00

I've been a busy little bee recently
(also, i'm a poet. Dontcha know it!)

After uhmming and ahhhing for what seems like forever, I forced myself to sit down and put THIS together.

Introducing...

www.blogsbysass.com

My very own blog design site.

I will be offering pre-made blog designs, custom blog designs and also little bits and bobs that you might need/want for your little place in the blog world.

I would be so excited (and eternally grateful) if you would pop over and have a look so I don't feel so lonely (and a little scared) and say Hi.

♥

I will post a proper real post with some hilarious pictures and something to make you laugh tomorrow.
Promise.

Perspective

2011-01-14T17:35:00.000+10:00

This last week has forced a lot of us to put things into perspective.

Sure, for some of us our lives aren't going to way we want them to.

We may hate our jobs, argue with family, wish we had more money, a bigger house, a thiner figure or even a little peace and quiet.

There is nothing that a disaster like the Queensland floods that makes you realise that you aren't really in control of anything.

None of us are promised tomorrow.

None of us know when our time is really up.

From now on, i'm going to appreciate what I have, and not what I don't have.

I have a wonderful husband that rubs my back when i'm hurting, loves me when i'm horrible and would do anything in his power for me.
I have friends that I love and love me back
I have a family, that although they drive me crazy, they are my family and I wouldn't have them any other way.
I have a roof over my head and clothes on my back.
Moo follows me around the house, getting under my feet and barking too much.
But if he wasn't here...if I lost him, I would give my soul to have him trip me over.

Appreciate what you have.

Because you never know when it will be gone.

{image}

To donate to the Queensland flood appeal go HERE

Iron Moo

2011-01-09T21:17:00.001+10:00

Moo believes

that relaxing

and snacking

is really

hard work

The end

I don't really have a post for you today.

There should be many many pictures of Iron men in their short shorts and their swimming caps however the universe hates me and after spending almost an hour in the car with two farting boys and the heaviest rain I have seen in forever, we turned around and drove back home.

It's my humble opinion that my handsome Moo is just as good looking as those iron men anyway.

P.S

It would be great if you could go over and say hi to Lady bird.
She has started a new blog.
You can comment her on the layout too as a certain princess Sass made it for her.

While you are at it, it would be wonderful if you would come and say Hi to me over HERE
I've decided that this year I will be COMPLETING the 365 challenge.

these boys

2011-01-08T21:32:00.000+10:00

This one

Is loud

And hilarious

and sensitive.

You can tell

This one

Loves the colour pink

and pop songs

and does a weird thing with his knuckles

that makes my tummy feel gross.

This one

wishes he was a real boy.

and doesn't care for being told he isn't.

Blow out those candles

2011-01-03T00:13:00.000+10:00

Happy Birthday to me.

Happy Birthday 2011

Happy Birthday Lady Bird.

In that order.

Next year for my birthday I would like a unicorn and a smaller bum.

If you could arrange that, I'll be your best friend.

Life of the Bees

Oh helloooo

Quick note!

Dear Nanny Dot

waiting

A weekend

Home

sick moo

I Heart My Body. I Do.

Happy Birthday Nanny

I'm going to be a mummy!

Bestest Nieces

Happiness.

A poem. By me. (because i'm pretty awesome)

Some things

Three Months.

Oh I do like to be beside the seaside...

*insert beach music here*

FINALLY!

gardening with bees

we are family...

This post is brought to you by the letter W for Woo

Winner Winner...Chicken Dinner!

The one with the awesome pancakes

I confess...

400 post giveaway

*dies*

Ants go marching one by one! (TO THEIR DEATHS)

Dear Sunday. I love you. The end.

Yeah! What she said.

Proof that being in your PJs at 3 in the afternoon is a good thing.

Where I realise why i'm a little weird.

Me vs Mean Girls and Golden Showers.

*Work/Life/Parenting avoidance stagey #340

Feelings

I declare this PJ Sunday

Like when you said you felt so happy you could die

Today is the greatest. Day you'll ever know

Stephamummah

A ramble about nothing really.

10 things

Dear Husband

What do little girls dream of?

Beaver Girl

Up late with Sass

What is it good for...

She walks!

This post is untitled

So uncool

Official

Everything is going to be okay...Okay?

Some things.

Mah Faithikins, I do so love you.

Kiss Goodbye to MS 2011

Too busy to post...

Where I snore so loud Husband thinks someone is drilling.

Sometimes, you get a ray of hope

Moo is FOUR

I need a plaster for my heart.

Sometimes it's okay to hide.

I am not alright

But I don't want to go on Jerry Springer

I am alive

ascared

Happy Moments

The day I realised customer service was dangerous.

blo-jo and poop

Dear Husband

working bee

Happy Moments

Defying Gravity

Happy Moments

Friday I'm in love.

Correction.

Surgery

Happy Moments

Thank you

This is unfair.

The Moo Bear

Happy Moments

insert beach music here

dies

tap tap